Time to move on...

I'm trying a new thing. Trying a new setting. So...click here to watch more of the journey:
Keep on Keeping on

Maybe wordpress...maybe I'll come back. WE shall see!

Out of body, Out of mind, Out of time...

So today I used the art of appreciation. It came over me that there are people in my life who need to know that I'm happy they are there. So I did just that. If you desire to receive a gift, it's best to give it first. The Boomerang Effect. If it's thrown out, eventually it returns to you. So I threw.

I'm learning a little more each day about myself and the effects of my actions. In a haste to walk away, I took something from someone. When I hurt, I turn and run. How can you run from yourself? Really how can you? I can't run from my true feelings. All I can do is stay true to them, no matter what. So...no more running, so no more fear that I will run. Leaving myself is like an out of body experience and I'm in pain everytime that happens. Leaving that person is just as painful and even harder.

Instant Replay...

Ever see the movie The Best Man? The scene where Morris Chestnut is saying his vows, but flashes to his wife to be in bed with his best friend. I keep having those flashes. How do I get them to stop? The mouth moves, the fingers type, but all I can see are flashes. The conversation continues and I try to follow...with.those.flashes.

I have one of those visual minds. When I hear a song, I see the music. When I read a story, I see the scene acted out. When I'm told a truth, I see it as if it's a play going on in my mind. The thing about being visual is it never leaves the mind. I never forget what I saw. Maybe I'll push it to the back, or under a pile of other mental films, but there's always a trigger that brings it back.

Every emotion felt during the revelation comes back again all new. The thoughts of being a failure, subpar are fresh as the morning dew. How do I clear the tape to get rid of the instant replay of the mind?

Another Step

So I am getting an MRI on the 27th. YAY but not. I am happy to get the MRI, just afraid of the surgery possibilities. Not because I'm so scared of the knife. I'm scared of the what if's:
What if I can feel the surgery?
What if they have to go full blown removal?
What if I lose my sex drive (THE HORROR!!)?
What if I have to get full blown and my kidney's decide to fill the vacant space?
What if I bleed uncontrollably?
What if the fibroids they find are not so benign anymore?
What if I grow a man beard?
What if I have more of a mustache than Tom Selleck?
What if I forget to take hormones and I go off on everybody at work? or Nuri and Amir?

Good thing is...
I won't have to what if by myself. You see, no matter the circumstance, it's always clear that I can turn and someone will be there with me. More to post on this subject later...I'm so tired right now.

Thinking of You...

Moonwalking through my mind as always.


Heart Tears
I must release.
Let you go.
Fluff your wings.
Let you fly.
I must move on.
Knowing you're really gone.
Reality sets in.
Say a final Goodbye.
Tears form in my eyes.
Slide down my cheeks.
Hit the ground.
Soft landing as they drop.
Forming puddles ever growing.
Loud Cries to soft sobs.
Increasing sorrow.
The heart tears never stop.

Unexpected Places

It may not be from the mouth you thought, but the words you want still sound sweet no matter the source. It was what I needed to hear and at the time I needed to consume it. For that I am thankful.

Confidence brought down is being rebuilt. Anti-matter is now beginning to matter. To materialize and take shape. Knowing that somewhere out there in the universe, my name is spoken with kind and thoughts of me provoke warmth. That moves me.

I know I affected someones life. Made a mark that can't be erased. Time won't make the memories of my time turn cold. Time keeps aging it to perfection, and makes our time priceless.

So thank you for the words. Thank you for the thoughts. Thank you for the kindness.

Thank You.
For.
Remembering.
Me.

Dreams

First Dream:
I remember dreaming of my brother. He was shot badly but alive. He was in the hospital attached to a lot of tubes, moving around with a catheter, but Alive. The thing is, he died in August 2000. I'm trying to remember more, but Toot being alive is crazy. I have never dreamed of him before. I also had a part of the dream that turned to partying with the boys buuuutttt it was just weird.

Second Dream:
For some reason We were in NC. Amir went to a school called Bowen. Wait...back up. I was at this house with Lon. Had been dreaming of this place before. Anyway, It was nice and apparently in the mountains...
Anywho...Amir was being transferred and Nuri was being enrolled in East Forsyth High School. People from my past were in my dream. Mrs. Escoline from FSU was a teacher there. Stephanie Mills (weird) was a drama teacher. The song "Sweet Sensation" was in my dream. Anywho, So was Marcus Smith (an old boyfriend), another old boyfriend from age 15 and his brothers were also in my dream...
Amir and Nuri were enrolled in the same High School. Nuri skipped the 7th and 8th grades and was now in High School. Amir was in the 11th. Nuri got into a fight. She had her Nintendo DS at school and some little girl got jealous so she tried to take it. Nuri, being Nuri, was not going to accept that as so. Fight ensued. I walked by, picked them both up and went to the office. I then proceeded to tell a story about my friend Michelle and I and the Christmas of 1988...
Michele Coker and I were thick as thieves. That Christmas I got a Troop Suit, Troop Shoes, MCM pocketbook and matching hat. The Black on white MCM. I also got Eric B and Rakim's second tape, a boom box, gold rope, some more door knockers and...I can't remember what else.
That Christmas Michele also got the MCM hat and pocketbook (black on beige), jewelry and....a car. She turned 16 in December...the 16th to be exact, I couldn't until May.
I was always jealous that she was older than me. 16 was both our magic number. That meant dating and a license. UGH...she had the ability to do both and a car to do it in.
I ended the story with, you can be close to someone, but secretly they can become your hater on the inside.
For some reason the song hate on me hater came to mind. WEIRD!

Decision Day

Decision 1. Forgiveness and Move on.
Holding on to anger. Holding on to hurt. Holding on to pressure only hurts the one holding on. To really let go, you have to emotionally let it all go. Let it move in the wind and blow away. So I said a sorry and in the wind it blew. Not trying to go back to before. Not trying to make up. Just taking what I put on me, lifting it up, moving my body, moving my hands and letting go.
I.
Feel.
Free.

The fact that it's officially the Holy Day of Atonement doesn't hurt. This day puts a lot on the mind about forgiveness for others, seeking from others and giving it to yourself. It's about reconnecting or disconnecting without burning a bridge.

Decision 2. Going for the Gusto
You don't get to gusto by instant message or a microwave. Gusto comes in steps. The first step is the surgery. Emotional Pain can also tie to Physical Pain. I'm sick and tired of both, so I called the radiologist to schedule a consultation for fibroid removal. She hasn't called me back, but when she does, I'm not falling back. No more pain. NO MORE! I'm preparing the family, talked to HR, talked to Loretta. I may be out for 6 weeks so home will be my friend.
Maybe they can do a tummy tuck while mucking around in there...

PS...I miss you so much Adrian.

Broken Fever...Vulcanlike

Don't know when it happened. Can't name the time. Just seemed like for a minute, the life fever I had broke. It wasn't long lasting, but that brevity in time let me know I can do and feel better. There's no medicine to cure what I have. It just has to run its course. I don't want a short cut this time either. I have to deal with what is now and just wait it out.

Could get some chicken noodle soup or drink hot tea. That's not going to do it for me. Not this time. Mind needs mending, then the rest can scab up too. I know there's another full cup waiting to spill over, but I have the release valve turned to the off position for a minute.

Glad the pills wore off and I'm no longer numb. Yet, less numb gives way to feeling. Not sure I'm ready for feeling yet. Feeling means human, and an android is my zen. Maybe even a vulcan. Gotta work on the emotional control. How? That's what I'd like to know.

It's Raining...AGAIN

Seriously, the rain, again...

Had an ok night last night. No tears, only took one Sleeping Pill. It was the last one. I don't remember when I fell asleep, but I remember waking up and looking at my clock 9:13 pm. I know Olbermann was on when I started falling asleep. Weird. I did eat yesterday which was good. Wasn't that hungry so I felt full and miserable. Hate that feeling.

So today I start all over. Can I just go home and get back in the bed?

Mind Numbing

That's how I feel today. Kind of a vaccum like feeling. The mix of crying until the sleeping pills kicked in (Thank God for Tylenol PM) and having left over pill in my body makes me mentally not here. I have so many meetings today and the first two I just faked my way through them.

Gotta.Snap.Out.Of.This.

I prayed several prayers yesterday. Asked for a hardening of the heart. I don't want to love anymore. It's not worth it. No need for it. Better off without it. So I am asking for a hardening of the heart. Not physical, but no one gets in.

So numb is where I want to be right now. Until I don't care steps in, I just don't want to feel. If I drank, I would be drunk. If I was a dopehead, I would be high. Since I'm neither, I'll just stay numb.

Never Enough...

Why do I keep torturing myself? Hopefully writing this post can put the feelings out there so I can let them go. Feeling something for someone that doesn't feel the same for you is not only a let down, but also depressing. When Will I learn?

Hurt. That's what I feel but I had to ask the question. It wasn't asked just out of curiosity. It was asked because I already knew the answer. That gut feeling that God gives you. That intuition that you are are always aware of. That tug in your mind and that pull in your heart. That leads me to ask questions. Answers are what I needed to finally have.

Am I mad? Hell Yeah! More mad at myself for wasting years and wasting time. I am mad at my feelings for putting me back in that place.
Why
Can't
I
Let
Go?

But.He.Knew.

You know what never enough is like? It's crushing. It's every emotion happening at once. It's pain thats like no other because there's nothing you can do about it. Never enough is looking in the mirror and saying ugly, monster, disguist. Never enough is that lump in your through and the tears you can't stop. Never enough is wondering why. Never enough is nothing.

That's where I am right now. Stuck.At.Nothing.

It's a Donny Hathaway type of day

Giving Up...


This song has much meaning to my day, and to my time. It's time to release. Sometimes you have to do what you don't ever want to do in order to get through what you need to do. He said it best:

Giving up is hard to do
When you really love someone
Giving up .... so hard to do
When you still depend upon
Her warm and tender touch
Her kiss and her hug..........her caress
Oooooh that used to mean so much
And bring you happiness
Woooo ooooooooh

Giving up, so hard to do
I've tried
But it just ain't no use
Giving up, so hard to do
I said I've tried
But it just ain't no use
But my light of hope is burning dim
But
But in my heart I pray
That my love and faith in the girl
My love...will bring her back someday

I'm talking 'bout when you really love someone

Whether
Whether she knows or not
She really needs me tooThe little girl is all I got
Yes she is
And giving, giving up is hard to do
Giving up
So hard to do
Heey...giving up
So very hard to do
I said I've tried
Hey, but I just can't get loose
Giving up
So hard for me to do
I don't want to lose you
Cause you mean so much to me

Carolina Blue

I've learned a few things on this trip.
1. My aunt's recovery is dependant on her being here. She perked up almost instantly. She knew where she was without us telling her. When my mom came in the hospital room, she smiled and it was on from there. A childhood friend/cousin came by and she has been smiles ever since. She know knows who I am without me having to say no I'm Tasha. Yesterday some friends came by. She was saying "Chicken is really country." I was rolling. She even saw a hand sign I gave my mom about how tight she was squeezing my hand. She said "Tasha what's that hand signal about." Uhm...I thought she was blind?

2. The health care is much better here than in Atlanta. You would think the opposite because of the metro area. Uhm. No. So they found fluid in her brain and are proposing a shunt. She should be at 75% when the fluid drains. WOW!! The social worker was great. Lon will be going down to Social Services and put in the application for medicaid reactivation on Monday. YES!

3. GK is still kinda annoying in the mornings. I'm really not a morning person unless I get some "me time" and Dr. Pepper. I am finally getting both. Having cramps and a morning mother is not mixing at all!

4. You can't change people. Why even try? Rather than being mad or upset all the time, just let it be. Either write them off or deal with how they are now. You can deal with them from a distance, meaning, don't let them come to close. They will become less annoying and/or disappointing. Although you see them trying...sometimes it's just temporary. Don't be drawn in by the temporary changes unless they look like permanent settings. I guess I'm turning into an old skeptic. Hardened.

5. My dad can still cook. Today he is making bbq chicken, baked chicken, macroni and cheese and...BANANA PUDDING!!!! I.LOVES.HIM.!!!!

6. My kids love my parents. As much as she can be annoying, overbearing and just clash with me, my children...and I...love my mother. But my children adore her and my dad. They beam when they see them and are around them. It's something about grandparents that make children light up and feel loved and cozy. I love my grandparents too. Miss them alot. I went to my maternal grandparents' home. I went in and found books and a picture my aunt made. Brought the pic/calendar home to wash so she could have it at the nursing home. Found one of her old hand fans. I had Thumper give it to her in the hospital as I was leaving.

Another Rainy Day?

I'm convinced that I live in Seattle and no one's telling me that I've moved. It has rained every week for the past month. Not that rain isn't good. It's the drinking water for the Earth, however, when the ground is already soaked, the drinking water turns into a flood and that's never good.

On a brighter note, I saw a rainbow as I exited off 285. That always makes me smile. I would smile harder if I ever bumped into the pot of gold that supposed to be at the end. I'd kick the leprachaun though.

Night of the Living Dead

Yep that me today and was me yesterday. SLEEPY! I can't seem to get enough rest no matter what time I go to bed. I'm thinking it's the 5 am risings and constant disruptions during the night. I need uninterrupted sleep. Not meaning death or a coma, but maybe a coma like state of sleep that lasts 10 hrs. Then and maybe then, I will become energized. Right now I feel like a zombie. Not the cool ones in the Thriller video. More like the ones from Night of the Living Dead.

Blogging again...

I've encouraged someone to blog and journalize their thoughts, but I have not done the same. It's time to begin again. Blogging is something I initially did to alleviate the frustration that had become my life during '03. It served as my personal stress reliever and pulled somethings out of me that I did not know was there. Who knew I would be a poet. However angry some of them had become, they were still words strung together that expressed my innermost thoughts and had a little rhyme here and there.

So now...Amir is 14 and Nuri's 10. I'm now over the mid-30's hump and have grown a lot. Ok well some maybe not as much as I should have but it's growing right? Jerome is completely out of the picture, although he calls to curse me out. I tried the be your friend thing, but that will never be enough. His personality has it so you must be all or nothing. So I'm nothing and fine with being just that.

As far as anyone else from the past that lingers, there's one that keeps popping up and refuses now to disappear. I have no idea about this, but it is what it is and there you have it. Stuck. Don't know if stuck is good or bad right now. Well today and yesterday and even this past week, stuck has been good. Stuck has a way of turing bad at any moment. Not that I'm calling the bad stuck into being, I'm must be honest with myself that it is what it is.

Boogie Down Bronx