Time to move on...

I'm trying a new thing. Trying a new setting. So...click here to watch more of the journey:
Keep on Keeping on

Maybe wordpress...maybe I'll come back. WE shall see!

Out of body, Out of mind, Out of time...

So today I used the art of appreciation. It came over me that there are people in my life who need to know that I'm happy they are there. So I did just that. If you desire to receive a gift, it's best to give it first. The Boomerang Effect. If it's thrown out, eventually it returns to you. So I threw.

I'm learning a little more each day about myself and the effects of my actions. In a haste to walk away, I took something from someone. When I hurt, I turn and run. How can you run from yourself? Really how can you? I can't run from my true feelings. All I can do is stay true to them, no matter what. So...no more running, so no more fear that I will run. Leaving myself is like an out of body experience and I'm in pain everytime that happens. Leaving that person is just as painful and even harder.

Instant Replay...

Ever see the movie The Best Man? The scene where Morris Chestnut is saying his vows, but flashes to his wife to be in bed with his best friend. I keep having those flashes. How do I get them to stop? The mouth moves, the fingers type, but all I can see are flashes. The conversation continues and I try to follow...with.those.flashes.

I have one of those visual minds. When I hear a song, I see the music. When I read a story, I see the scene acted out. When I'm told a truth, I see it as if it's a play going on in my mind. The thing about being visual is it never leaves the mind. I never forget what I saw. Maybe I'll push it to the back, or under a pile of other mental films, but there's always a trigger that brings it back.

Every emotion felt during the revelation comes back again all new. The thoughts of being a failure, subpar are fresh as the morning dew. How do I clear the tape to get rid of the instant replay of the mind?

Another Step

So I am getting an MRI on the 27th. YAY but not. I am happy to get the MRI, just afraid of the surgery possibilities. Not because I'm so scared of the knife. I'm scared of the what if's:
What if I can feel the surgery?
What if they have to go full blown removal?
What if I lose my sex drive (THE HORROR!!)?
What if I have to get full blown and my kidney's decide to fill the vacant space?
What if I bleed uncontrollably?
What if the fibroids they find are not so benign anymore?
What if I grow a man beard?
What if I have more of a mustache than Tom Selleck?
What if I forget to take hormones and I go off on everybody at work? or Nuri and Amir?

Good thing is...
I won't have to what if by myself. You see, no matter the circumstance, it's always clear that I can turn and someone will be there with me. More to post on this subject later...I'm so tired right now.

Thinking of You...

Moonwalking through my mind as always.


Heart Tears
I must release.
Let you go.
Fluff your wings.
Let you fly.
I must move on.
Knowing you're really gone.
Reality sets in.
Say a final Goodbye.
Tears form in my eyes.
Slide down my cheeks.
Hit the ground.
Soft landing as they drop.
Forming puddles ever growing.
Loud Cries to soft sobs.
Increasing sorrow.
The heart tears never stop.

Unexpected Places

It may not be from the mouth you thought, but the words you want still sound sweet no matter the source. It was what I needed to hear and at the time I needed to consume it. For that I am thankful.

Confidence brought down is being rebuilt. Anti-matter is now beginning to matter. To materialize and take shape. Knowing that somewhere out there in the universe, my name is spoken with kind and thoughts of me provoke warmth. That moves me.

I know I affected someones life. Made a mark that can't be erased. Time won't make the memories of my time turn cold. Time keeps aging it to perfection, and makes our time priceless.

So thank you for the words. Thank you for the thoughts. Thank you for the kindness.

Thank You.
For.
Remembering.
Me.

Dreams

First Dream:
I remember dreaming of my brother. He was shot badly but alive. He was in the hospital attached to a lot of tubes, moving around with a catheter, but Alive. The thing is, he died in August 2000. I'm trying to remember more, but Toot being alive is crazy. I have never dreamed of him before. I also had a part of the dream that turned to partying with the boys buuuutttt it was just weird.

Second Dream:
For some reason We were in NC. Amir went to a school called Bowen. Wait...back up. I was at this house with Lon. Had been dreaming of this place before. Anyway, It was nice and apparently in the mountains...
Anywho...Amir was being transferred and Nuri was being enrolled in East Forsyth High School. People from my past were in my dream. Mrs. Escoline from FSU was a teacher there. Stephanie Mills (weird) was a drama teacher. The song "Sweet Sensation" was in my dream. Anywho, So was Marcus Smith (an old boyfriend), another old boyfriend from age 15 and his brothers were also in my dream...
Amir and Nuri were enrolled in the same High School. Nuri skipped the 7th and 8th grades and was now in High School. Amir was in the 11th. Nuri got into a fight. She had her Nintendo DS at school and some little girl got jealous so she tried to take it. Nuri, being Nuri, was not going to accept that as so. Fight ensued. I walked by, picked them both up and went to the office. I then proceeded to tell a story about my friend Michelle and I and the Christmas of 1988...
Michele Coker and I were thick as thieves. That Christmas I got a Troop Suit, Troop Shoes, MCM pocketbook and matching hat. The Black on white MCM. I also got Eric B and Rakim's second tape, a boom box, gold rope, some more door knockers and...I can't remember what else.
That Christmas Michele also got the MCM hat and pocketbook (black on beige), jewelry and....a car. She turned 16 in December...the 16th to be exact, I couldn't until May.
I was always jealous that she was older than me. 16 was both our magic number. That meant dating and a license. UGH...she had the ability to do both and a car to do it in.
I ended the story with, you can be close to someone, but secretly they can become your hater on the inside.
For some reason the song hate on me hater came to mind. WEIRD!