It's Raining...AGAIN

Seriously, the rain, again...

Had an ok night last night. No tears, only took one Sleeping Pill. It was the last one. I don't remember when I fell asleep, but I remember waking up and looking at my clock 9:13 pm. I know Olbermann was on when I started falling asleep. Weird. I did eat yesterday which was good. Wasn't that hungry so I felt full and miserable. Hate that feeling.

So today I start all over. Can I just go home and get back in the bed?

Mind Numbing

That's how I feel today. Kind of a vaccum like feeling. The mix of crying until the sleeping pills kicked in (Thank God for Tylenol PM) and having left over pill in my body makes me mentally not here. I have so many meetings today and the first two I just faked my way through them.

Gotta.Snap.Out.Of.This.

I prayed several prayers yesterday. Asked for a hardening of the heart. I don't want to love anymore. It's not worth it. No need for it. Better off without it. So I am asking for a hardening of the heart. Not physical, but no one gets in.

So numb is where I want to be right now. Until I don't care steps in, I just don't want to feel. If I drank, I would be drunk. If I was a dopehead, I would be high. Since I'm neither, I'll just stay numb.

Never Enough...

Why do I keep torturing myself? Hopefully writing this post can put the feelings out there so I can let them go. Feeling something for someone that doesn't feel the same for you is not only a let down, but also depressing. When Will I learn?

Hurt. That's what I feel but I had to ask the question. It wasn't asked just out of curiosity. It was asked because I already knew the answer. That gut feeling that God gives you. That intuition that you are are always aware of. That tug in your mind and that pull in your heart. That leads me to ask questions. Answers are what I needed to finally have.

Am I mad? Hell Yeah! More mad at myself for wasting years and wasting time. I am mad at my feelings for putting me back in that place.
Why
Can't
I
Let
Go?

But.He.Knew.

You know what never enough is like? It's crushing. It's every emotion happening at once. It's pain thats like no other because there's nothing you can do about it. Never enough is looking in the mirror and saying ugly, monster, disguist. Never enough is that lump in your through and the tears you can't stop. Never enough is wondering why. Never enough is nothing.

That's where I am right now. Stuck.At.Nothing.

It's a Donny Hathaway type of day

Giving Up...


This song has much meaning to my day, and to my time. It's time to release. Sometimes you have to do what you don't ever want to do in order to get through what you need to do. He said it best:

Giving up is hard to do
When you really love someone
Giving up .... so hard to do
When you still depend upon
Her warm and tender touch
Her kiss and her hug..........her caress
Oooooh that used to mean so much
And bring you happiness
Woooo ooooooooh

Giving up, so hard to do
I've tried
But it just ain't no use
Giving up, so hard to do
I said I've tried
But it just ain't no use
But my light of hope is burning dim
But
But in my heart I pray
That my love and faith in the girl
My love...will bring her back someday

I'm talking 'bout when you really love someone

Whether
Whether she knows or not
She really needs me tooThe little girl is all I got
Yes she is
And giving, giving up is hard to do
Giving up
So hard to do
Heey...giving up
So very hard to do
I said I've tried
Hey, but I just can't get loose
Giving up
So hard for me to do
I don't want to lose you
Cause you mean so much to me

Carolina Blue

I've learned a few things on this trip.
1. My aunt's recovery is dependant on her being here. She perked up almost instantly. She knew where she was without us telling her. When my mom came in the hospital room, she smiled and it was on from there. A childhood friend/cousin came by and she has been smiles ever since. She know knows who I am without me having to say no I'm Tasha. Yesterday some friends came by. She was saying "Chicken is really country." I was rolling. She even saw a hand sign I gave my mom about how tight she was squeezing my hand. She said "Tasha what's that hand signal about." Uhm...I thought she was blind?

2. The health care is much better here than in Atlanta. You would think the opposite because of the metro area. Uhm. No. So they found fluid in her brain and are proposing a shunt. She should be at 75% when the fluid drains. WOW!! The social worker was great. Lon will be going down to Social Services and put in the application for medicaid reactivation on Monday. YES!

3. GK is still kinda annoying in the mornings. I'm really not a morning person unless I get some "me time" and Dr. Pepper. I am finally getting both. Having cramps and a morning mother is not mixing at all!

4. You can't change people. Why even try? Rather than being mad or upset all the time, just let it be. Either write them off or deal with how they are now. You can deal with them from a distance, meaning, don't let them come to close. They will become less annoying and/or disappointing. Although you see them trying...sometimes it's just temporary. Don't be drawn in by the temporary changes unless they look like permanent settings. I guess I'm turning into an old skeptic. Hardened.

5. My dad can still cook. Today he is making bbq chicken, baked chicken, macroni and cheese and...BANANA PUDDING!!!! I.LOVES.HIM.!!!!

6. My kids love my parents. As much as she can be annoying, overbearing and just clash with me, my children...and I...love my mother. But my children adore her and my dad. They beam when they see them and are around them. It's something about grandparents that make children light up and feel loved and cozy. I love my grandparents too. Miss them alot. I went to my maternal grandparents' home. I went in and found books and a picture my aunt made. Brought the pic/calendar home to wash so she could have it at the nursing home. Found one of her old hand fans. I had Thumper give it to her in the hospital as I was leaving.

Another Rainy Day?

I'm convinced that I live in Seattle and no one's telling me that I've moved. It has rained every week for the past month. Not that rain isn't good. It's the drinking water for the Earth, however, when the ground is already soaked, the drinking water turns into a flood and that's never good.

On a brighter note, I saw a rainbow as I exited off 285. That always makes me smile. I would smile harder if I ever bumped into the pot of gold that supposed to be at the end. I'd kick the leprachaun though.

Night of the Living Dead

Yep that me today and was me yesterday. SLEEPY! I can't seem to get enough rest no matter what time I go to bed. I'm thinking it's the 5 am risings and constant disruptions during the night. I need uninterrupted sleep. Not meaning death or a coma, but maybe a coma like state of sleep that lasts 10 hrs. Then and maybe then, I will become energized. Right now I feel like a zombie. Not the cool ones in the Thriller video. More like the ones from Night of the Living Dead.