Instant Replay...

Ever see the movie The Best Man? The scene where Morris Chestnut is saying his vows, but flashes to his wife to be in bed with his best friend. I keep having those flashes. How do I get them to stop? The mouth moves, the fingers type, but all I can see are flashes. The conversation continues and I try to follow...with.those.flashes.

I have one of those visual minds. When I hear a song, I see the music. When I read a story, I see the scene acted out. When I'm told a truth, I see it as if it's a play going on in my mind. The thing about being visual is it never leaves the mind. I never forget what I saw. Maybe I'll push it to the back, or under a pile of other mental films, but there's always a trigger that brings it back.

Every emotion felt during the revelation comes back again all new. The thoughts of being a failure, subpar are fresh as the morning dew. How do I clear the tape to get rid of the instant replay of the mind?

Another Step

So I am getting an MRI on the 27th. YAY but not. I am happy to get the MRI, just afraid of the surgery possibilities. Not because I'm so scared of the knife. I'm scared of the what if's:
What if I can feel the surgery?
What if they have to go full blown removal?
What if I lose my sex drive (THE HORROR!!)?
What if I have to get full blown and my kidney's decide to fill the vacant space?
What if I bleed uncontrollably?
What if the fibroids they find are not so benign anymore?
What if I grow a man beard?
What if I have more of a mustache than Tom Selleck?
What if I forget to take hormones and I go off on everybody at work? or Nuri and Amir?

Good thing is...
I won't have to what if by myself. You see, no matter the circumstance, it's always clear that I can turn and someone will be there with me. More to post on this subject later...I'm so tired right now.

Thinking of You...

Moonwalking through my mind as always.


Heart Tears
I must release.
Let you go.
Fluff your wings.
Let you fly.
I must move on.
Knowing you're really gone.
Reality sets in.
Say a final Goodbye.
Tears form in my eyes.
Slide down my cheeks.
Hit the ground.
Soft landing as they drop.
Forming puddles ever growing.
Loud Cries to soft sobs.
Increasing sorrow.
The heart tears never stop.

Unexpected Places

It may not be from the mouth you thought, but the words you want still sound sweet no matter the source. It was what I needed to hear and at the time I needed to consume it. For that I am thankful.

Confidence brought down is being rebuilt. Anti-matter is now beginning to matter. To materialize and take shape. Knowing that somewhere out there in the universe, my name is spoken with kind and thoughts of me provoke warmth. That moves me.

I know I affected someones life. Made a mark that can't be erased. Time won't make the memories of my time turn cold. Time keeps aging it to perfection, and makes our time priceless.

So thank you for the words. Thank you for the thoughts. Thank you for the kindness.

Thank You.
For.
Remembering.
Me.

Dreams

First Dream:
I remember dreaming of my brother. He was shot badly but alive. He was in the hospital attached to a lot of tubes, moving around with a catheter, but Alive. The thing is, he died in August 2000. I'm trying to remember more, but Toot being alive is crazy. I have never dreamed of him before. I also had a part of the dream that turned to partying with the boys buuuutttt it was just weird.

Second Dream:
For some reason We were in NC. Amir went to a school called Bowen. Wait...back up. I was at this house with Lon. Had been dreaming of this place before. Anyway, It was nice and apparently in the mountains...
Anywho...Amir was being transferred and Nuri was being enrolled in East Forsyth High School. People from my past were in my dream. Mrs. Escoline from FSU was a teacher there. Stephanie Mills (weird) was a drama teacher. The song "Sweet Sensation" was in my dream. Anywho, So was Marcus Smith (an old boyfriend), another old boyfriend from age 15 and his brothers were also in my dream...
Amir and Nuri were enrolled in the same High School. Nuri skipped the 7th and 8th grades and was now in High School. Amir was in the 11th. Nuri got into a fight. She had her Nintendo DS at school and some little girl got jealous so she tried to take it. Nuri, being Nuri, was not going to accept that as so. Fight ensued. I walked by, picked them both up and went to the office. I then proceeded to tell a story about my friend Michelle and I and the Christmas of 1988...
Michele Coker and I were thick as thieves. That Christmas I got a Troop Suit, Troop Shoes, MCM pocketbook and matching hat. The Black on white MCM. I also got Eric B and Rakim's second tape, a boom box, gold rope, some more door knockers and...I can't remember what else.
That Christmas Michele also got the MCM hat and pocketbook (black on beige), jewelry and....a car. She turned 16 in December...the 16th to be exact, I couldn't until May.
I was always jealous that she was older than me. 16 was both our magic number. That meant dating and a license. UGH...she had the ability to do both and a car to do it in.
I ended the story with, you can be close to someone, but secretly they can become your hater on the inside.
For some reason the song hate on me hater came to mind. WEIRD!

Decision Day

Decision 1. Forgiveness and Move on.
Holding on to anger. Holding on to hurt. Holding on to pressure only hurts the one holding on. To really let go, you have to emotionally let it all go. Let it move in the wind and blow away. So I said a sorry and in the wind it blew. Not trying to go back to before. Not trying to make up. Just taking what I put on me, lifting it up, moving my body, moving my hands and letting go.
I.
Feel.
Free.

The fact that it's officially the Holy Day of Atonement doesn't hurt. This day puts a lot on the mind about forgiveness for others, seeking from others and giving it to yourself. It's about reconnecting or disconnecting without burning a bridge.

Decision 2. Going for the Gusto
You don't get to gusto by instant message or a microwave. Gusto comes in steps. The first step is the surgery. Emotional Pain can also tie to Physical Pain. I'm sick and tired of both, so I called the radiologist to schedule a consultation for fibroid removal. She hasn't called me back, but when she does, I'm not falling back. No more pain. NO MORE! I'm preparing the family, talked to HR, talked to Loretta. I may be out for 6 weeks so home will be my friend.
Maybe they can do a tummy tuck while mucking around in there...

PS...I miss you so much Adrian.

Broken Fever...Vulcanlike

Don't know when it happened. Can't name the time. Just seemed like for a minute, the life fever I had broke. It wasn't long lasting, but that brevity in time let me know I can do and feel better. There's no medicine to cure what I have. It just has to run its course. I don't want a short cut this time either. I have to deal with what is now and just wait it out.

Could get some chicken noodle soup or drink hot tea. That's not going to do it for me. Not this time. Mind needs mending, then the rest can scab up too. I know there's another full cup waiting to spill over, but I have the release valve turned to the off position for a minute.

Glad the pills wore off and I'm no longer numb. Yet, less numb gives way to feeling. Not sure I'm ready for feeling yet. Feeling means human, and an android is my zen. Maybe even a vulcan. Gotta work on the emotional control. How? That's what I'd like to know.