Great Wall of Mine-nuh

Apparently I've built a wall so tall and long that climbing it seems to daunting and going around appears near impossible. Don't even think about penetrating those bricks. They weren't laid by love but by protection. I think if my emotions could have dug a moat, they would have. Filled with bone crushing alligators and flesh eating piranhas. Anyone who dared to get close, would find a nice surprise and I would leave them rotting to warn others "Enter if you Dare!"

It's been pointed out several times that my demeanor is cold and most feminine in my energy is not present. Not that I lack estrogen, vag or boobs, I'm just burned out from getting...well...burned. Why put yourself out there when the limb your hanging from is barely connected to the tree? Oh and that tree, well it's being eaten alive by parasitic insects. Yep, that's pretty much how I feel.

There has been a time when I pulled a few bricks away, enough to make a nice peep hole. But the view I had was of a shitty ass, and well, funky donkeys are not allowed on my side. So of course I can be a person of extremes and used thicker cement to hold that removed brick in place. If for nothing else, to keep the shit smell on the other side.

So here I stand, leaning against my well crafted wall. No one here but me, my thoughts and a few gnats because the donkey is steadfastly there, still on the other side.

True Hip Hop Memoirs is live!

True Hip Hop Memoirs
The site is live

Time to move on...

I'm trying a new thing. Trying a new setting. So...click here to watch more of the journey:
Keep on Keeping on

Maybe wordpress...maybe I'll come back. WE shall see!

Out of body, Out of mind, Out of time...

So today I used the art of appreciation. It came over me that there are people in my life who need to know that I'm happy they are there. So I did just that. If you desire to receive a gift, it's best to give it first. The Boomerang Effect. If it's thrown out, eventually it returns to you. So I threw.

I'm learning a little more each day about myself and the effects of my actions. In a haste to walk away, I took something from someone. When I hurt, I turn and run. How can you run from yourself? Really how can you? I can't run from my true feelings. All I can do is stay true to them, no matter what. So...no more running, so no more fear that I will run. Leaving myself is like an out of body experience and I'm in pain everytime that happens. Leaving that person is just as painful and even harder.

Instant Replay...

Ever see the movie The Best Man? The scene where Morris Chestnut is saying his vows, but flashes to his wife to be in bed with his best friend. I keep having those flashes. How do I get them to stop? The mouth moves, the fingers type, but all I can see are flashes. The conversation continues and I try to follow...with.those.flashes.

I have one of those visual minds. When I hear a song, I see the music. When I read a story, I see the scene acted out. When I'm told a truth, I see it as if it's a play going on in my mind. The thing about being visual is it never leaves the mind. I never forget what I saw. Maybe I'll push it to the back, or under a pile of other mental films, but there's always a trigger that brings it back.

Every emotion felt during the revelation comes back again all new. The thoughts of being a failure, subpar are fresh as the morning dew. How do I clear the tape to get rid of the instant replay of the mind?

Another Step

So I am getting an MRI on the 27th. YAY but not. I am happy to get the MRI, just afraid of the surgery possibilities. Not because I'm so scared of the knife. I'm scared of the what if's:
What if I can feel the surgery?
What if they have to go full blown removal?
What if I lose my sex drive (THE HORROR!!)?
What if I have to get full blown and my kidney's decide to fill the vacant space?
What if I bleed uncontrollably?
What if the fibroids they find are not so benign anymore?
What if I grow a man beard?
What if I have more of a mustache than Tom Selleck?
What if I forget to take hormones and I go off on everybody at work? or Nuri and Amir?

Good thing is...
I won't have to what if by myself. You see, no matter the circumstance, it's always clear that I can turn and someone will be there with me. More to post on this subject later...I'm so tired right now.

Thinking of You...

Moonwalking through my mind as always.


Heart Tears
I must release.
Let you go.
Fluff your wings.
Let you fly.
I must move on.
Knowing you're really gone.
Reality sets in.
Say a final Goodbye.
Tears form in my eyes.
Slide down my cheeks.
Hit the ground.
Soft landing as they drop.
Forming puddles ever growing.
Loud Cries to soft sobs.
Increasing sorrow.
The heart tears never stop.