Unexpected Places

It may not be from the mouth you thought, but the words you want still sound sweet no matter the source. It was what I needed to hear and at the time I needed to consume it. For that I am thankful.

Confidence brought down is being rebuilt. Anti-matter is now beginning to matter. To materialize and take shape. Knowing that somewhere out there in the universe, my name is spoken with kind and thoughts of me provoke warmth. That moves me.

I know I affected someones life. Made a mark that can't be erased. Time won't make the memories of my time turn cold. Time keeps aging it to perfection, and makes our time priceless.

So thank you for the words. Thank you for the thoughts. Thank you for the kindness.

Thank You.
For.
Remembering.
Me.

Dreams

First Dream:
I remember dreaming of my brother. He was shot badly but alive. He was in the hospital attached to a lot of tubes, moving around with a catheter, but Alive. The thing is, he died in August 2000. I'm trying to remember more, but Toot being alive is crazy. I have never dreamed of him before. I also had a part of the dream that turned to partying with the boys buuuutttt it was just weird.

Second Dream:
For some reason We were in NC. Amir went to a school called Bowen. Wait...back up. I was at this house with Lon. Had been dreaming of this place before. Anyway, It was nice and apparently in the mountains...
Anywho...Amir was being transferred and Nuri was being enrolled in East Forsyth High School. People from my past were in my dream. Mrs. Escoline from FSU was a teacher there. Stephanie Mills (weird) was a drama teacher. The song "Sweet Sensation" was in my dream. Anywho, So was Marcus Smith (an old boyfriend), another old boyfriend from age 15 and his brothers were also in my dream...
Amir and Nuri were enrolled in the same High School. Nuri skipped the 7th and 8th grades and was now in High School. Amir was in the 11th. Nuri got into a fight. She had her Nintendo DS at school and some little girl got jealous so she tried to take it. Nuri, being Nuri, was not going to accept that as so. Fight ensued. I walked by, picked them both up and went to the office. I then proceeded to tell a story about my friend Michelle and I and the Christmas of 1988...
Michele Coker and I were thick as thieves. That Christmas I got a Troop Suit, Troop Shoes, MCM pocketbook and matching hat. The Black on white MCM. I also got Eric B and Rakim's second tape, a boom box, gold rope, some more door knockers and...I can't remember what else.
That Christmas Michele also got the MCM hat and pocketbook (black on beige), jewelry and....a car. She turned 16 in December...the 16th to be exact, I couldn't until May.
I was always jealous that she was older than me. 16 was both our magic number. That meant dating and a license. UGH...she had the ability to do both and a car to do it in.
I ended the story with, you can be close to someone, but secretly they can become your hater on the inside.
For some reason the song hate on me hater came to mind. WEIRD!

Decision Day

Decision 1. Forgiveness and Move on.
Holding on to anger. Holding on to hurt. Holding on to pressure only hurts the one holding on. To really let go, you have to emotionally let it all go. Let it move in the wind and blow away. So I said a sorry and in the wind it blew. Not trying to go back to before. Not trying to make up. Just taking what I put on me, lifting it up, moving my body, moving my hands and letting go.
I.
Feel.
Free.

The fact that it's officially the Holy Day of Atonement doesn't hurt. This day puts a lot on the mind about forgiveness for others, seeking from others and giving it to yourself. It's about reconnecting or disconnecting without burning a bridge.

Decision 2. Going for the Gusto
You don't get to gusto by instant message or a microwave. Gusto comes in steps. The first step is the surgery. Emotional Pain can also tie to Physical Pain. I'm sick and tired of both, so I called the radiologist to schedule a consultation for fibroid removal. She hasn't called me back, but when she does, I'm not falling back. No more pain. NO MORE! I'm preparing the family, talked to HR, talked to Loretta. I may be out for 6 weeks so home will be my friend.
Maybe they can do a tummy tuck while mucking around in there...

PS...I miss you so much Adrian.

Broken Fever...Vulcanlike

Don't know when it happened. Can't name the time. Just seemed like for a minute, the life fever I had broke. It wasn't long lasting, but that brevity in time let me know I can do and feel better. There's no medicine to cure what I have. It just has to run its course. I don't want a short cut this time either. I have to deal with what is now and just wait it out.

Could get some chicken noodle soup or drink hot tea. That's not going to do it for me. Not this time. Mind needs mending, then the rest can scab up too. I know there's another full cup waiting to spill over, but I have the release valve turned to the off position for a minute.

Glad the pills wore off and I'm no longer numb. Yet, less numb gives way to feeling. Not sure I'm ready for feeling yet. Feeling means human, and an android is my zen. Maybe even a vulcan. Gotta work on the emotional control. How? That's what I'd like to know.

It's Raining...AGAIN

Seriously, the rain, again...

Had an ok night last night. No tears, only took one Sleeping Pill. It was the last one. I don't remember when I fell asleep, but I remember waking up and looking at my clock 9:13 pm. I know Olbermann was on when I started falling asleep. Weird. I did eat yesterday which was good. Wasn't that hungry so I felt full and miserable. Hate that feeling.

So today I start all over. Can I just go home and get back in the bed?

Mind Numbing

That's how I feel today. Kind of a vaccum like feeling. The mix of crying until the sleeping pills kicked in (Thank God for Tylenol PM) and having left over pill in my body makes me mentally not here. I have so many meetings today and the first two I just faked my way through them.

Gotta.Snap.Out.Of.This.

I prayed several prayers yesterday. Asked for a hardening of the heart. I don't want to love anymore. It's not worth it. No need for it. Better off without it. So I am asking for a hardening of the heart. Not physical, but no one gets in.

So numb is where I want to be right now. Until I don't care steps in, I just don't want to feel. If I drank, I would be drunk. If I was a dopehead, I would be high. Since I'm neither, I'll just stay numb.

Never Enough...

Why do I keep torturing myself? Hopefully writing this post can put the feelings out there so I can let them go. Feeling something for someone that doesn't feel the same for you is not only a let down, but also depressing. When Will I learn?

Hurt. That's what I feel but I had to ask the question. It wasn't asked just out of curiosity. It was asked because I already knew the answer. That gut feeling that God gives you. That intuition that you are are always aware of. That tug in your mind and that pull in your heart. That leads me to ask questions. Answers are what I needed to finally have.

Am I mad? Hell Yeah! More mad at myself for wasting years and wasting time. I am mad at my feelings for putting me back in that place.
Why
Can't
I
Let
Go?

But.He.Knew.

You know what never enough is like? It's crushing. It's every emotion happening at once. It's pain thats like no other because there's nothing you can do about it. Never enough is looking in the mirror and saying ugly, monster, disguist. Never enough is that lump in your through and the tears you can't stop. Never enough is wondering why. Never enough is nothing.

That's where I am right now. Stuck.At.Nothing.