The Journey Continues...

Great Wall of Mine-nuh

2011-09-15T22:37:00.001-04:00

Apparently I've built a wall so tall and long that climbing it seems to daunting and going around appears near impossible. Don't even think about penetrating those bricks. They weren't laid by love but by protection. I think if my emotions could have dug a moat, they would have. Filled with bone crushing alligators and flesh eating piranhas. Anyone who dared to get close, would find a nice surprise and I would leave them rotting to warn others "Enter if you Dare!"

It's been pointed out several times that my demeanor is cold and most feminine in my energy is not present. Not that I lack estrogen, vag or boobs, I'm just burned out from getting...well...burned. Why put yourself out there when the limb your hanging from is barely connected to the tree? Oh and that tree, well it's being eaten alive by parasitic insects. Yep, that's pretty much how I feel.

There has been a time when I pulled a few bricks away, enough to make a nice peep hole. But the view I had was of a shitty ass, and well, funky donkeys are not allowed on my side. So of course I can be a person of extremes and used thicker cement to hold that removed brick in place. If for nothing else, to keep the shit smell on the other side.

So here I stand, leaning against my well crafted wall. No one here but me, my thoughts and a few gnats because the donkey is steadfastly there, still on the other side.

True Hip Hop Memoirs is live!

2010-12-02T13:26:00.002-05:00

True Hip Hop Memoirs
The site is live

Time to move on...

2009-10-22T21:32:00.003-04:00

I'm trying a new thing. Trying a new setting. So...click here to watch more of the journey:
Keep on Keeping on

Maybe wordpress...maybe I'll come back. WE shall see!

Out of body, Out of mind, Out of time...

2009-10-22T20:39:00.001-04:00

So today I used the art of appreciation. It came over me that there are people in my life who need to know that I'm happy they are there. So I did just that. If you desire to receive a gift, it's best to give it first. The Boomerang Effect. If it's thrown out, eventually it returns to you. So I threw.

I'm learning a little more each day about myself and the effects of my actions. In a haste to walk away, I took something from someone. When I hurt, I turn and run. How can you run from yourself? Really how can you? I can't run from my true feelings. All I can do is stay true to them, no matter what. So...no more running, so no more fear that I will run. Leaving myself is like an out of body experience and I'm in pain everytime that happens. Leaving that person is just as painful and even harder.

Instant Replay...

2009-10-21T13:40:00.000-04:00

Ever see the movie The Best Man? The scene where Morris Chestnut is saying his vows, but flashes to his wife to be in bed with his best friend. I keep having those flashes. How do I get them to stop? The mouth moves, the fingers type, but all I can see are flashes. The conversation continues and I try to follow...with.those.flashes.

I have one of those visual minds. When I hear a song, I see the music. When I read a story, I see the scene acted out. When I'm told a truth, I see it as if it's a play going on in my mind. The thing about being visual is it never leaves the mind. I never forget what I saw. Maybe I'll push it to the back, or under a pile of other mental films, but there's always a trigger that brings it back.

Every emotion felt during the revelation comes back again all new. The thoughts of being a failure, subpar are fresh as the morning dew. How do I clear the tape to get rid of the instant replay of the mind?

Another Step

2009-10-19T20:50:00.002-04:00

So I am getting an MRI on the 27th. YAY but not. I am happy to get the MRI, just afraid of the surgery possibilities. Not because I'm so scared of the knife. I'm scared of the what if's:
What if I can feel the surgery?
What if they have to go full blown removal?
What if I lose my sex drive (THE HORROR!!)?
What if I have to get full blown and my kidney's decide to fill the vacant space?
What if I bleed uncontrollably?
What if the fibroids they find are not so benign anymore?
What if I grow a man beard?
What if I have more of a mustache than Tom Selleck?
What if I forget to take hormones and I go off on everybody at work? or Nuri and Amir?

Good thing is...
I won't have to what if by myself. You see, no matter the circumstance, it's always clear that I can turn and someone will be there with me. More to post on this subject later...I'm so tired right now.

Thinking of You...

2009-10-18T00:43:00.015-04:00

Moonwalking through my mind as always.

Heart Tears
I must release.
Let you go.
Fluff your wings.
Let you fly.
I must move on.
Knowing you're really gone.
Reality sets in.
Say a final Goodbye.
Tears form in my eyes.
Slide down my cheeks.
Hit the ground.
Soft landing as they drop.
Forming puddles ever growing.
Loud Cries to soft sobs.
Increasing sorrow.
The heart tears never stop.

Unexpected Places

2009-10-17T22:54:00.002-04:00

It may not be from the mouth you thought, but the words you want still sound sweet no matter the source. It was what I needed to hear and at the time I needed to consume it. For that I am thankful.

Confidence brought down is being rebuilt. Anti-matter is now beginning to matter. To materialize and take shape. Knowing that somewhere out there in the universe, my name is spoken with kind and thoughts of me provoke warmth. That moves me.

I know I affected someones life. Made a mark that can't be erased. Time won't make the memories of my time turn cold. Time keeps aging it to perfection, and makes our time priceless.

So thank you for the words. Thank you for the thoughts. Thank you for the kindness.

Thank You.
For.
Remembering.
Me.

Dreams

2009-10-17T07:52:00.001-04:00

First Dream:
I remember dreaming of my brother. He was shot badly but alive. He was in the hospital attached to a lot of tubes, moving around with a catheter, but Alive. The thing is, he died in August 2000. I'm trying to remember more, but Toot being alive is crazy. I have never dreamed of him before. I also had a part of the dream that turned to partying with the boys buuuutttt it was just weird.

Second Dream:
For some reason We were in NC. Amir went to a school called Bowen. Wait...back up. I was at this house with Lon. Had been dreaming of this place before. Anyway, It was nice and apparently in the mountains...
Anywho...Amir was being transferred and Nuri was being enrolled in East Forsyth High School. People from my past were in my dream. Mrs. Escoline from FSU was a teacher there. Stephanie Mills (weird) was a drama teacher. The song "Sweet Sensation" was in my dream. Anywho, So was Marcus Smith (an old boyfriend), another old boyfriend from age 15 and his brothers were also in my dream...
Amir and Nuri were enrolled in the same High School. Nuri skipped the 7th and 8th grades and was now in High School. Amir was in the 11th. Nuri got into a fight. She had her Nintendo DS at school and some little girl got jealous so she tried to take it. Nuri, being Nuri, was not going to accept that as so. Fight ensued. I walked by, picked them both up and went to the office. I then proceeded to tell a story about my friend Michelle and I and the Christmas of 1988...
Michele Coker and I were thick as thieves. That Christmas I got a Troop Suit, Troop Shoes, MCM pocketbook and matching hat. The Black on white MCM. I also got Eric B and Rakim's second tape, a boom box, gold rope, some more door knockers and...I can't remember what else.
That Christmas Michele also got the MCM hat and pocketbook (black on beige), jewelry and....a car. She turned 16 in December...the 16th to be exact, I couldn't until May.
I was always jealous that she was older than me. 16 was both our magic number. That meant dating and a license. UGH...she had the ability to do both and a car to do it in.
I ended the story with, you can be close to someone, but secretly they can become your hater on the inside.
For some reason the song hate on me hater came to mind. WEIRD!

Decision Day

2009-10-16T20:37:00.003-04:00

Decision 1. Forgiveness and Move on.
Holding on to anger. Holding on to hurt. Holding on to pressure only hurts the one holding on. To really let go, you have to emotionally let it all go. Let it move in the wind and blow away. So I said a sorry and in the wind it blew. Not trying to go back to before. Not trying to make up. Just taking what I put on me, lifting it up, moving my body, moving my hands and letting go.
I.
Feel.
Free.

The fact that it's officially the Holy Day of Atonement doesn't hurt. This day puts a lot on the mind about forgiveness for others, seeking from others and giving it to yourself. It's about reconnecting or disconnecting without burning a bridge.

Decision 2. Going for the Gusto
You don't get to gusto by instant message or a microwave. Gusto comes in steps. The first step is the surgery. Emotional Pain can also tie to Physical Pain. I'm sick and tired of both, so I called the radiologist to schedule a consultation for fibroid removal. She hasn't called me back, but when she does, I'm not falling back. No more pain. NO MORE! I'm preparing the family, talked to HR, talked to Loretta. I may be out for 6 weeks so home will be my friend.
Maybe they can do a tummy tuck while mucking around in there...

PS...I miss you so much Adrian.

Broken Fever...Vulcanlike

2009-10-15T16:32:00.000-04:00

Don't know when it happened. Can't name the time. Just seemed like for a minute, the life fever I had broke. It wasn't long lasting, but that brevity in time let me know I can do and feel better. There's no medicine to cure what I have. It just has to run its course. I don't want a short cut this time either. I have to deal with what is now and just wait it out.

Could get some chicken noodle soup or drink hot tea. That's not going to do it for me. Not this time. Mind needs mending, then the rest can scab up too. I know there's another full cup waiting to spill over, but I have the release valve turned to the off position for a minute.

Glad the pills wore off and I'm no longer numb. Yet, less numb gives way to feeling. Not sure I'm ready for feeling yet. Feeling means human, and an android is my zen. Maybe even a vulcan. Gotta work on the emotional control. How? That's what I'd like to know.

It's Raining...AGAIN

2009-10-15T09:06:00.000-04:00

Seriously, the rain, again...

Had an ok night last night. No tears, only took one Sleeping Pill. It was the last one. I don't remember when I fell asleep, but I remember waking up and looking at my clock 9:13 pm. I know Olbermann was on when I started falling asleep. Weird. I did eat yesterday which was good. Wasn't that hungry so I felt full and miserable. Hate that feeling.

So today I start all over. Can I just go home and get back in the bed?

Mind Numbing

2009-10-14T10:39:00.000-04:00

That's how I feel today. Kind of a vaccum like feeling. The mix of crying until the sleeping pills kicked in (Thank God for Tylenol PM) and having left over pill in my body makes me mentally not here. I have so many meetings today and the first two I just faked my way through them.

Gotta.Snap.Out.Of.This.

I prayed several prayers yesterday. Asked for a hardening of the heart. I don't want to love anymore. It's not worth it. No need for it. Better off without it. So I am asking for a hardening of the heart. Not physical, but no one gets in.

So numb is where I want to be right now. Until I don't care steps in, I just don't want to feel. If I drank, I would be drunk. If I was a dopehead, I would be high. Since I'm neither, I'll just stay numb.

Never Enough...

2009-10-13T18:25:00.000-04:00

Why do I keep torturing myself? Hopefully writing this post can put the feelings out there so I can let them go. Feeling something for someone that doesn't feel the same for you is not only a let down, but also depressing. When Will I learn?

Hurt. That's what I feel but I had to ask the question. It wasn't asked just out of curiosity. It was asked because I already knew the answer. That gut feeling that God gives you. That intuition that you are are always aware of. That tug in your mind and that pull in your heart. That leads me to ask questions. Answers are what I needed to finally have.

Am I mad? Hell Yeah! More mad at myself for wasting years and wasting time. I am mad at my feelings for putting me back in that place.
Why
Can't
I
Let
Go?

But.He.Knew.

You know what never enough is like? It's crushing. It's every emotion happening at once. It's pain thats like no other because there's nothing you can do about it. Never enough is looking in the mirror and saying ugly, monster, disguist. Never enough is that lump in your through and the tears you can't stop. Never enough is wondering why. Never enough is nothing.

That's where I am right now. Stuck.At.Nothing.

It's a Donny Hathaway type of day

2009-10-13T16:38:00.000-04:00

Giving Up...

This song has much meaning to my day, and to my time. It's time to release. Sometimes you have to do what you don't ever want to do in order to get through what you need to do. He said it best:

Giving up is hard to do
When you really love someone
Giving up .... so hard to do
When you still depend upon
Her warm and tender touch
Her kiss and her hug..........her caress
Oooooh that used to mean so much
And bring you happiness
Woooo ooooooooh

Giving up, so hard to do
I've tried
But it just ain't no use
Giving up, so hard to do
I said I've tried
But it just ain't no use
But my light of hope is burning dim
But
But in my heart I pray
That my love and faith in the girl
My love...will bring her back someday

I'm talking 'bout when you really love someone

Whether
Whether she knows or not
She really needs me tooThe little girl is all I got
Yes she is
And giving, giving up is hard to do
Giving up
So hard to do
Heey...giving up
So very hard to do
I said I've tried
Hey, but I just can't get loose
Giving up
So hard for me to do
I don't want to lose you
Cause you mean so much to me

Carolina Blue

2009-10-11T10:38:00.000-04:00

I've learned a few things on this trip.
1. My aunt's recovery is dependant on her being here. She perked up almost instantly. She knew where she was without us telling her. When my mom came in the hospital room, she smiled and it was on from there. A childhood friend/cousin came by and she has been smiles ever since. She know knows who I am without me having to say no I'm Tasha. Yesterday some friends came by. She was saying "Chicken is really country." I was rolling. She even saw a hand sign I gave my mom about how tight she was squeezing my hand. She said "Tasha what's that hand signal about." Uhm...I thought she was blind?

2. The health care is much better here than in Atlanta. You would think the opposite because of the metro area. Uhm. No. So they found fluid in her brain and are proposing a shunt. She should be at 75% when the fluid drains. WOW!! The social worker was great. Lon will be going down to Social Services and put in the application for medicaid reactivation on Monday. YES!

3. GK is still kinda annoying in the mornings. I'm really not a morning person unless I get some "me time" and Dr. Pepper. I am finally getting both. Having cramps and a morning mother is not mixing at all!

4. You can't change people. Why even try? Rather than being mad or upset all the time, just let it be. Either write them off or deal with how they are now. You can deal with them from a distance, meaning, don't let them come to close. They will become less annoying and/or disappointing. Although you see them trying...sometimes it's just temporary. Don't be drawn in by the temporary changes unless they look like permanent settings. I guess I'm turning into an old skeptic. Hardened.

5. My dad can still cook. Today he is making bbq chicken, baked chicken, macroni and cheese and...BANANA PUDDING!!!! I.LOVES.HIM.!!!!

6. My kids love my parents. As much as she can be annoying, overbearing and just clash with me, my children...and I...love my mother. But my children adore her and my dad. They beam when they see them and are around them. It's something about grandparents that make children light up and feel loved and cozy. I love my grandparents too. Miss them alot. I went to my maternal grandparents' home. I went in and found books and a picture my aunt made. Brought the pic/calendar home to wash so she could have it at the nursing home. Found one of her old hand fans. I had Thumper give it to her in the hospital as I was leaving.

Another Rainy Day?

2009-10-07T09:19:00.000-04:00

I'm convinced that I live in Seattle and no one's telling me that I've moved. It has rained every week for the past month. Not that rain isn't good. It's the drinking water for the Earth, however, when the ground is already soaked, the drinking water turns into a flood and that's never good.

On a brighter note, I saw a rainbow as I exited off 285. That always makes me smile. I would smile harder if I ever bumped into the pot of gold that supposed to be at the end. I'd kick the leprachaun though.

Night of the Living Dead

2009-10-06T09:35:00.000-04:00

Yep that me today and was me yesterday. SLEEPY! I can't seem to get enough rest no matter what time I go to bed. I'm thinking it's the 5 am risings and constant disruptions during the night. I need uninterrupted sleep. Not meaning death or a coma, but maybe a coma like state of sleep that lasts 10 hrs. Then and maybe then, I will become energized. Right now I feel like a zombie. Not the cool ones in the Thriller video. More like the ones from Night of the Living Dead.

Blogging again...

2009-09-27T13:26:00.000-04:00

I've encouraged someone to blog and journalize their thoughts, but I have not done the same. It's time to begin again. Blogging is something I initially did to alleviate the frustration that had become my life during '03. It served as my personal stress reliever and pulled somethings out of me that I did not know was there. Who knew I would be a poet. However angry some of them had become, they were still words strung together that expressed my innermost thoughts and had a little rhyme here and there.

So now...Amir is 14 and Nuri's 10. I'm now over the mid-30's hump and have grown a lot. Ok well some maybe not as much as I should have but it's growing right? Jerome is completely out of the picture, although he calls to curse me out. I tried the be your friend thing, but that will never be enough. His personality has it so you must be all or nothing. So I'm nothing and fine with being just that.

As far as anyone else from the past that lingers, there's one that keeps popping up and refuses now to disappear. I have no idea about this, but it is what it is and there you have it. Stuck. Don't know if stuck is good or bad right now. Well today and yesterday and even this past week, stuck has been good. Stuck has a way of turing bad at any moment. Not that I'm calling the bad stuck into being, I'm must be honest with myself that it is what it is.

Remember the Time

2009-07-09T18:14:00.001-04:00

Mrs: Questo is just like you: http://www.okayplayer.com/news/uestlove-Remembers-The-Times-132-Michael-Jackson-Memories.html
ahem: 67. i remember 20/20 doing a in depth focus report on The Jacksons. The
first day of school (in the 4th grade) it was all we talked about.
this is the first time i was met with indifference with non MJ fans
who almost caught a beatdown for making fun of your high voice.

Natasha: LMAO!
hahahahahaha
kindred spirit

Mrs: I love me some Questo

Sent at 4:22 PM on Thursday
Natasha: son
i remember the first magazine cutout my sister posted on our wall.
she used too much glue and ripped a piece of it below his eye. was NOT
a good look when you were alone in the dark staring at it as a kid and
you looking back at me with the bad glue job soiling the photo
watching my every move. shivers
my pillow does the same damn thing
i put it in the basket at night
cuz i feel like mike is staring at me

Mrs: LOL

Natasha: 26. i remember the radio spots i heard for the new Jackson lp and somehow
i literally thought the album was going to be called "Smash Self
Titled LP"
DIES!

Mrs: LOL
87. i remember getting the ebony cover story of the jacksons and deciding
the only way to get in this family is to auction off my sister. i dont
think she minded for there was no woman who didn't dream at one point
of wanting to marry mike.
I think he is you: 101. i remember discovering and entire box of old Right On! and TCB! mags
(from my sister) in the basement and it taking 3 weeks to build a
jackson shrine on my walls.

Natasha: LMAO
hahahahahahahaha
girl
when i went to detroit
in minus 10 degree weather
in 06
February actually
i went to Hitsville
and touched it beause that's where michael touched it
and i was good

Mrs: wow
I hear that

Natasha: crying...but no tears cuz it was too cold for water

Mrs: also: 118. i now remember there being about 200+ vendors on 52nd street selling
bootleg leather jackets of mj

119. i remember my mom buying me a bootleg for easter 1984.

120. i remember the chipped tooth i gave my cousin for making fun of my
gear that day

Natasha: and my cousin sayin you are dumb

Mrs: LMAO

Natasha: i dunno if he has this
but i remember being confused when the words in the thiller liner were the child is not my son
but he CLEARLY sings the KID is not my son

Mrs: ME. TOO.

Natasha: and i kept trying ot make it fit
cuz MIKE WROTE THE WORDS
and i must sing them like mike wrote

Mrs: And I remember being salty about it

Natasha: such a neard
oops nerd

Mrs: I remember opening up the Thriller album and putting it on my couch so it looked like Mike was lying on it and when he'd sing the line in Human Nature where he'd be like see that girl she knows I'm watching...she likes the way I stare, I would totally agree
<---- Nerd

Natasha: LMAO
hahahahahahaha

Mrs: I remember that we didn't have much to do in elementary school in June so they'd show movies in the auditorium
son they showed The Wiz
they split it into 2 parts

Natasha: YES

Mrs: we saw the first part

Natasha: i remember can you feel it video sound effects scaring me

Mrs: but someting hanppened the next day and we didn't see the rest
we damn near rioted

Natasha: LMAO

Mrs: they had to give us more recess
lol
I remember linking arms with my homies and easing on down the hall
LOL

Natasha: i remember reading in Right On that Michael hates litterbugs... from that point on I have not littered. I put trash in my purse or pockets until i can get to a trashcan

Mrs: LOL

Natasha: I was at my grandma's house using the bathroom cuz it was the only quiet place
and i had my mag
that i just got
sigh

Mrs: lol
I'm waiting for my tribute issue of Rolling Stone to arrive
It's like I'm waiting for the new Right On to come out

Natasha: girl

Mrs: they sent me an email talmbout buy it on stands

Natasha: Word up has a MJ
i saw it

Mrs: I was like fuck that noise
i'm not buyin shit
I paid for it already

Natasha: ohmygoodness

Mrs: that shit better have been delivered
or I'm callin them
it came out tues

Natasha: I remember taping motown 25 from the tv with the cassette recorder

Mrs: LOL
I have that shit on my computer now

Natasha: u know the one that u had to push down play and record

Mrs: just his and the J5
YES
I used to tape from the radio with mine

Natasha: I had the tape FOREVER til it popped

Mrs: LOL
brb

Sent at 4:43 PM on Thursday
Natasha: 131. i remember the day Bad came out and i found out that day Scott La
Rock passed
YES
i remember crying

Sent at 4:46 PM on Thursday
Mrs: I remember that too
I was heartbroken
I know where it happened too
I remember when they said his family took him off life support
and the My Phillosphy video with his kids in it

Natasha: i remember seeing malcolm X for the first time on that video

Mrs: Yes

Natasha: i added my comment
Amuri: ...
I remember reading the words on the liner of Thriller that Christmas and seeing Billie Jean had "the child is not my son" when he clearly sang "the kid is not my son", and trying to fit it in. I also remember hitting my brother in the middle of the forehead with my Atari controller because he said something slick about MJ, then going back to playing PacMan. I remember taping Mowtown 25 from the tv with my portable cassette player (when you had to press down record and play at the same time). I also remember when that tape broke and splicing didn't work.

Thanks for the memories.1
I also remember getting 3 MJ dolls and an alternate yellow sweater outfit the next christmas
and being salty when my aunt asked me to give my cousin one doll cuz HE didn't have one to play with

Mrs: LOL

Natasha: last one for the day...maybe
I remember not being so scared of thriller that i could FINALLY listen to it outside of my closet because having rhythm meant i had the soul for getting down. so the thriller would not get me and i wouldn't have to face the hounds of hell or rot inside a corpse shell
I remember being happy i could dance
LOL!

Mrs: LOL

Natasha: i'm trying to remember not being such a big nerd
memory fades

Mrs: true
the those feelings never go away
I remember how mad kids rocked penny loafers with white socks

Natasha: u are gonna laff at this... when we were moving out of our apt in 1986, it took me so long to pack my room because i had to make sure the pics from my wall were in order so they could be hung the same way in my new room in our house.

Mrs: with black lees
LMAO

Natasha: I also remember having to paint the wall because the MJ pics took off the paint

Mrs: nICE

Natasha: muh bad
now anye was able to download the file
from the link
http://www.filedropper.com/jackson5andjacksons

Sent at 5:00 PM on Thursday
Natasha: omg the pennyloafers
son
yes
and i remember wanting a curl

Mrs: everyone and I do mean everyone rocked them

Natasha: and my mama saying no

Mrs: yo
my moms shut me down too
I wanted my shit to look like Ola Ray's

Natasha: i thought mike liked girls with curls since h
JINX

Mrs: lol

Natasha: I remember seeing the number to Jackson INC in the ebony magazine when randy was in the accident
and writing in myu phone book saying i had mike's number
LMAO
it was one of the last BIG ebony's
remember when that mag was the size of a coffee table

Mrs: YES
I don't remember that though
I just texted you

Natasha: u weren't a stalker like i am

Mrs: no

Natasha: don't have it yet

Mrs: you should have it soon

Natasha: June, 1980
Gary Coleman. Sidney Poitier, Jackie Robinson, Richmond, Randy Jackson’s Tragic Accident
G/VG
$15.00

DAMN
i was 10
no
7
i'm trippin
and i remember that shit
no mas

Mrs: dag
did you get the text?

Natasha: http://cgi.ebay.com/Ebony-June-1980-Gary-Coleman-Sidney-Poitier_W0QQitemZ290329152155QQcategoryZ280QQcmdZViewItemQQ_trksidZp4340.m183QQ_trkparmsZalgo%3DSIC%26its%3DI%252BC%252BS%252BIA%26itu%3DSI%252BUS-BWR%252BUCI%252BIA%252BUCC%252BPSS%252BCRS%252BIT%252BUA%26otn%3D2%26ps%3D33
OMG
just go tit
LOL
awww

Mrs: Wow
Also, to this day that is my favorite pic of him
he just looked so suave
and so dreamy
sigh

Sent at 5:10 PM on Thursday

Boogie Down Bronx

2009-05-29T22:19:00.001-04:00

Anger Poems are back

2008-12-09T15:59:00.000-05:00

In light of our situations here at work. I wrote this to let off a little steam

Today’s corporate edict
Is to bend over and take that mean dick
In the ass..it’ll be over real quick
Then off you go with a swift kick
Cus it’s their world my thoughts don’t mean shit
It’ll mean a lot more when the shield is broke with this big brick
Upside your head I’ll go with my crazy swagger stick
Fuck you ass holes, high level trick and prick
Signed of angry corporate black chick

Reading Party

2008-11-23T09:32:00.000-05:00

The spirits keep trying to give you a blessing...

Yesterday's gathering at the D-Man's house was great. It was a few people with positive energy gathered together for a cause that was not their intimate own but was personally owned by each. How do you know you are loved? When people gather for your happiness, while you are living, is an ultimate show of love and being loved.

So anyway, after a couple (only a couple) of happy punch, I was GREAT! Nuri and Amir came too and enjoyed themselves. Talk about comfortable, Nuri was asleep in front of the fire. AHHHHH! That's when you know you are among goodness. I am thankful for that goodness.

So in comes Gypsy and her cards. Who's ready for a Tarot reading??? ME!!! I had been wanting it for a while, but desired someone who was not in it for the money, but in it for the gift. And then, Gypsy. So although I was a bit afraid, she read me like she worked for the government. She saw my thoughts like she was in my mind. Like she was allowed a sneak peak in my life book.

Everyone who went in came out with a glazed look. Not like that of she did something to me, but that of how did she know? How does she know? When will I know? :) I need her once a quarter! Her being there, me being there, nothings ever a mistake. There are no such things as coincidence.

I am thankful for the message and the messenger.

Old New Look

2008-08-20T15:18:00.000-04:00

Apparently the blow dried look is apparently in style forever. I also think I'm cute with my hair anyway...but sexier with the straight hair. With that being said, my hair made me feel better. I know the song says, "I am not my hair", however the way you maintain your mane is an outside reflection of your internal state. I can wet the head and have the afro again, however, if I do not comb the afro, train the afro, mold the afro, then I have a hot mess. If I don't feel that peace within, then I will not have the patience to maintain the afro, because I am not maintaining my mental state. My homie Max said, "you start forgetting yourself
and you become invisible to others and yourself." That is quite true. When you are lost in the sea of your own sameness, you fade in the background surrounding you. Even with a fro that's a greater size than the famous Angela Davis.

So, I changed my game and stepped it up. Then I got the clothes to match the new look. But the first change was in the attitude behind the whole Muri Modification. So anyway...the old/new me.

Getting out of the way

2008-06-20T05:48:00.000-04:00

Sometimes we can stand in our own way and not allow the flow of what is really to pass, to come to us. We call ourselves standing steadfast and being a rock, however, there are forces that cause that rock to move, for instance water. In the Midwest, there are stone walls created to make the Mississippi River stay away from the land where people are inhabiting. They are called levees. But when the water gets high enough, when the current gets strong enough, even that stone wall has to give way to the power of that force. We are like that stone wall too. We think we can hold back the forces of change. We love to live in what is known to us, but like all things, the change must come. We must evolve, we must get out of our own way or we can get pushed out, no matter how stubborn we become.

Change can become freeing. Change can bring about a purpose or give us renewed meaning. Change can energize us and cause that energy to be transferred into others. Another word for getting out of your way and letting the change happen is called faith. Faith is not just mere believing that you won't fail, faith is knowing that you will win. Maybe not the win you imagined before you made that first step, but the win that was destined for you before you took your first breath.

PMP

2008-06-02T19:24:00.000-04:00

Well I have begun the second part of the process in getting my Project Management Professional Certification from PMI (Project Management Institute). It's going to take time to document all of the projects I've worked on over the years to their specification. At least I have registered with them and have one step to apply to take the exam.

Now...to take the exam. I am studying dilligently for it. This is worse than being in school, because it's not something I find particularly interesting to read. At least when I study history or even in my Business Management classes, I found interest in it. Especially history. Oh well..cry myself a river.

Back to the grind....

My Family Amazes me

2008-05-29T20:33:00.000-04:00

There are so many times when we are ashamed of the actions of some in our family. There are times when many wish they were born into another. The trials, happiness and fights in my family have shaped me. There are ties that formed before slavery that were made tighter through the need to find closeness because of the horror of slavery that binds us ever tighter, even when you fight to get loose. I often wondered why seeing the movie "Cry Freedom" effected my emotions and started a yearning to do so much more. Then I found out it's a family trait.

Ladies and Gentlemen...my cousin Robert Williams...

Breaking it down to forever be broke

2008-05-29T17:02:00.000-04:00

I have refused to continue the cycle of thinking...well I can live with it. It's like giving up and accepting defeat when there's no need to do so. So, I let it go.

When you find yourself questiong what you can live with and changing yourself and your thinking to adapt, something's not right. J is and will always be both victim and perpetrator of his behavioral circumstance and I can't take that misery ride with him.

The desire to be loved can not override your God-given common sense. There's not that much promise of what will be in the world. When someone's head movements and hand gestures give you the same feeling as seeing Flav kiss anyone...it's time to roll.

God gave me a way out
and
I
Took
It!

Dead Man Dreams

2008-05-29T16:47:00.000-04:00

I have had foretelling dreams for years. Dreams about Dead people, Dreams about events, however, this sequence of dreams I can't shake.

It's no suprise that I don't do well with change and especially the change caused by death. I'm not sure if anyone really does. His death really shook me because of the coldness in the killing and the instant of the moment. I never let go of the question, "What did he think when the gun was pointed to the head?"

See my cousin was no angel. He did his share of dirt, but nothing he did could have deserved to die in that way. One gunshot to the head.

But that doesn't tell me why I have been dreaming about him lately. Yes I miss him. Yes I will love him forever. But he's not the only one I miss or love. Saturday night I dreamed he said he wasn't dead but was in Witness Protection. Ok innocent enough. The anniversary of his death was Monday. I didn't have it in my mind though.

Last night I dreamed I was at the funeral. I could see him in the casket. I touched his face. It was warm and soft. I can still feel the touch. I can still see the face.

I miss him greatly...however he can stop haunting if he wants :)

Down By Law

2008-05-04T17:23:00.000-04:00

That should be my catch phrase.

So yeah wedding plans have halted. Not because I don't want one, but because it's so far away and is such a task. House buying plans are what's on the menu this month. Maybe in October I'll be ready to plan a wedding. Watching HGTV makes me want to plan a house :)

Ready to Go home

2008-04-02T15:48:00.000-04:00

Done with this day. It’s not that anything major happened. People are just getting on my last nerve today with complaints. Hey if you had a MONTH to try out a new feature, and chose not to, you don’t have a valid complaint when it rolls out.

On a good note, my brother is enrolling in school to get his GED. I’m so proud of him.

Had a talk with Jerome today letting him know that when he's around some of his boys, he changes. Now this is not the first of this kind of conversation. The thing is, he turns into his show personality when he's with them. Well when you are that person, don't communicate with me. I don't deserve that. We'll see what happens. This isn't the first time he said it will change...and it hasn't.

Three Engagements and a Wedding

2008-03-31T14:29:00.000-04:00

So B, Nuri, Amir and I went to the bridal store Saturday and tried on dresses.

http://crushontasha.weddingwindow.com/index.html

Making Nice

2008-03-20T20:53:00.000-04:00

So now I'm feeling better. The bank FINALLY gave me my money after I went off on their Customer Service. Dumb Bitch.

Jerry made nice because he knows when Stasha comes...Hell follows. He asked again when Max's party is and said AGAIN that he's sending me to it. BROOKLYNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! He's doing a show in April and using the dough for that for the ticket. Said I deserved the fun with my peoples.

So...he found out Max is a SAG also and is making sure she comes to the party in November. Uhm she was already coming maybe? Cuz...I was gonna make sure she came. However nice to be excited about her coming. FYI...she won't give a shit about his excitement. That's my girl!

Just went to a boring ass PTA meeting. MY GOD...how many power point slides can a person fumble through? On the upside, they fed us some great food and they were not stingy. Nuri is such a girl too. I watched her and her crew giggle, make faces and act extra. It was cute and reminded me of my TWEEN years.

Looks like the book is going to come along. Jerry went to a book signing today and networked with the publisher. She needs the full draft and then she'll take it from there. Good Look Chad on the cards.

Looks like it's going to be a good night.

Fall The Fuck Back

2008-03-20T10:50:00.001-04:00

When approaching me today, I need people to really think on the matter, make sure it's of importance and that it is presented in the right manner. Basically...I need folks to fall the fuck back.

Is it REALLY that important to bring it to me TODAY? Is it really important for me to act on it TODAY? If not, let's regroup and try on Monday. Why is my mama calling me RIGHT NOW?!?!?! I'm at work...let me have this time.

Anywho. I am for real tired of having to explain, in full force definition, why. If I decide something, no matter how great or small, and I don't offer an explanation, and you ain't paying one of my bills...don't fucking ask me why. Now there are times I choose to offer...voluntarily...however, don't drill me. I'm a grown ass woman. I have two children that I solely take care of.

Let me speak on that. How in the hell do YOU decide when and when you do not have the "extra" funds to take care of your child? No really...when did taking care of your child come out of the "extra" portion of your budget? Is there a manual somewhere that I know nothing about? When did sending a 12 year old 400 motha fuckin dollaz for chirstmas become ok when you have failed to send ANYTHING for his caretaking for 5 to 7 months? And then ask me, did you see what I gave him? The fuck? When did "I thought the money came out of my check" become acceptable? When did "I don't check my pay stubs to see" become the in thing? See those niggaz right there...

And when did I start fucking chicks? No for real. When? How is someone going to start treating me like I cheated on them? I can understand being mad, but being mad enough to just cut a friendship off? For real???? Ya know what, in my twisted mind, then we were never friends to begin with. And I don't really have friends. You are either my sister or my brother. Otherwise you are just somebody I speak to. So for real...if you say fuck it and fuck me...I say fuck it all and add that to "friendship" to the bullshit graveyard and keep it moving. And I don't believe in reincarnation so please...don't come back.

Now on to other mothafuckas friends trying to test me. For real...tell your girl...your boy...wateva..the don't want it with me. They are your friend, not mine so keep that shit between and betwix ya'll. Unless ya'lls convos or outings have something positive that I MAY want to know know about...let me stress may...then keep it with ya'll. I don't give a fuck about them and apparently they don't about me, so keep me out of ya'lls conversations for real. Make our relationship a non-topic. Cuz for real...I'm not the one. Folks hate it when people are actually happy. When they are used to seeing you down, any other type of "mode" they find you in causes uneasyness with them and they can't deal. Fucking tattle-tale, 3rd grade, drama, bitch shit mothafuckaz.

Maybe this weekend will be better.

See this bullshit right here...

2008-03-20T10:48:00.000-04:00

Natasha: and i said well don't even worry about it
i think we got a bonus or soemthing
so really she aint speaking to me
ok i'm pissed about that bitch shit
ok i'm done
B: damn
Natasha: and i aint speaking to jerome
cuz that nigga there
B: what nigga?
Natasha: jerome
oh everybody that has pissed me off is a nigga
B: LMAO
Natasha: chicki or dude
B: okay
Natasha: nigga
B: i was confused for a sec
i'm like..wha..
what did he do now?
Natasha: oh his girl
told him about me and busy
about a few weeks ago
ok
sorry i was filling max in on how everybody's a nigga
and she's like holy shit
i hate everyone too
i wanna fight too
B: lol
she stupid
Natasha: she said everybody is stupid fuck today
LMAO!
ok...
so yeah her name is Missy
jerome's friend
anywho
she told him about me and Busy
it's not the fact that she told him
it's how it went down
she asks him about me on the often
she waits until i'm coming up
until she finds out how we are getting closer
to tell him
but she's known for about a year
and felt he should know
WHY THeFUCK
if u felt so strongly he should know
did u not tell him a while ago
so u want some drama?
B: basically
Natasha: dis bitch took off work
drove from Connecticut
to tell him
then the bitch started crying
talkin bout i dn't want u to go back out in the streets
behind this
THE FUCK?
says
"i felt if you found out you would go back out in the streets because you would be so hurt"
THEN...why did u tell him?
B: was her phone broke?
Natasha: she
wanted
drama
then kept asking...what are you going to do?
and he said nothing
i love tasha
we weren't together
B: LOL
Natasha: so she goes
are you sure?
he was like it don't make a difference to me
ok...
fast forward
two weeks...i'm in NYC
he has it on his mind
kept hinting
saying "i haven't been with anybody since i've bene with you"
blah blah blah
"i dont want to know what you did when we weren't together"
well i knew then but i said nothing because he didn't ask and it wasn't his business
aight
fast forward to monday
night
i get the...
i have two questions to ask you and i want to know if you will tell me the truth and promise to answer it
i say...the hell...are we in high school
just ask the damn question
he says it doesn't matter what the answers are because it changes nothing
i say...then why are u asking
that's dumb
B: lol
Natasha: i am such a bitch
anywho...
he asks the first question...i can't even remember what it is
second one was about busy
i said why are u asking me this
he said just wondering
i call bullshit now why are u asking
i said because u asked i will answer
and i told him
i also said it really is none of your business but since someone probably filled your ear with sume bullshit...i told you
so i asked who told him
he told me missy and told me what happened
and that he wanted to ask me while i was in NY but he knew i would go off
GOOD LOOK!
Sent at 10:37 AM on Thursday
Natasha: so fastforward to yesterday
cuz i had time for that shit to sink in
and other stuff to piss me the fuck off
and he tells me...she's just looking out for me
she just loves me
i call bullshit again
i say don't try to make me like her
i don't
i wont
don't ask me to hang out with her. i pass now for future events
he says well i told her what you said and she gives you credit for telling the truth. you actually got her quiet
i said that was supposed to make me feel better
FUCK HER and her credit
i don't give a fuck about her and what she thinks
the fact that she's planting bullshit seeds is what's making me heated
and the fact that you are giving reports to her makes me wanna say fuck you too
i was cussin like a drunken sailor playa
B: LOL
yeah, telling you that he told her
NOT HELPING
Natasha: RIGHT
hahahahahhaa
see u know me
and u know how i was gonna react
so he doesn't understand why i'm pissed at him
i kept trying to say becaue u fed into the bullshit she was brining
B: right
Natasha: the fact that it stayed on your mind even tho u say it "doesn't matter"
it mattered
it mattered enuff for you to report back that i said yes
or as you say i confessed
THE FUCK
what were ya'll trying to test me?
for real?
nigga u dont see me bringing cups and shit to new york for a urine sample
and u testing me
on some shit i did three years ago and we WERENT TOGETHER
and he aint one of your boys at all...matter of fact u haven't had a decent convo with this dude in 20years
he was like i love you tasha and u are letting this push you away from me
i said u should have kept it
if it didn't matter
he said well i felt u needed to clear your conscious and the air
MY conscious and air were VERY CLEAR
the fuck u think u dealing with?
i aint her
that chick
so basically
i got off the phone
aint talked to him since
betwix him, my mama, vic's bullshit, antwon (wayne) and work...
i need a vacation
ok my rant is done
i may blog the rant
B: you should
it's cathartic.

Glasses and a Girlfriend!

2008-02-29T10:19:00.001-05:00

B S is online.
Natasha: mornin
B: suuuuuuuuuuuuuups
Natasha: my two blind chirrunz
Sent at 9:28 AM on Friday
B: did nuri pick hers out?
Natasha: yes
they are hanna montana
B: wow
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Natasha: purple even
Sent at 9:35 AM on Friday
Natasha: u like nuri's glasses?
B: i think they are too thick for her face
Natasha: mine are almost like them
B: I WANNA SEE
do you have them on now?
Natasha: soon as i get them
no they aren't ready
B: oh ok
Natasha: i got transisitions lenses
that child LOVES her glasses
i'm like u can take them off
to sleep
B: lol
Natasha: amir has a girlfriend
did i already tell u
B: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
really?
Natasha: yeah
B: what's her name?
Natasha: i forgot to ask
LMAO
he goes..i hope she still likes me with glasses
Sent at 9:54 AM on Friday
B: imma need u to ask
i wanna meet her
Natasha: LMAO!
Sent at 9:57 AM on Friday
B: do you at least know the nationality?
Natasha: black
i think there are like 6 white people at his school.
none in his classes
B: ol
lol*
Natasha: LMAO
i know
B: how long dey been together?
Natasha: since 7th period yesterday
B: LOL!!!
i'm literally rollin
Natasha: LOL!
hahahahah
they started dating in 5th period
and became official by 7th
DO U KNOW how much I wanted to laugh?
B: dawg
i'm glad you told me now
adn he didn't tell me
Natasha: LMAO!
i made sure his fro was tight
he had his glasses cleaner cloth...that ironically matches the colors he has on today...green
he had is breath stuff
he had is carmax
and i brought my personal pic
B: NOT THE CARMAX!!!
faints
Natasha: YES
lips have to be moist
never ashey
B: this is too much
Natasha: he cleaned his shoes
his nikes
and i gave him ten dollaz for the dance to buy her a snack too
B: awwwww
Natasha: i'll keep u posted
B: i'm like so excitee
Natasha: i showed him how to put numbas in his phone
so he can get hers
B: HAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Natasha: made sure he took his phone
cuz he has to call and as her parents if she can get phone calls
cuz u know
some parents arent down with that
mine wasn't
B: yeah
do mind if i tell like.....
everyone i know?
THIS IS THE CUTEST THING EVER!
Natasha: LMAO
sure
it was all thru notes
she had their mutual friend
send a note to amir
saying do you like the girl sitting behind me
he wrote yes
next note do u think she's cute
B: OMG!!!!
AHAHAHAHAHAHA
Natasha: yes
ok now move to 6th period
would u like to go with her
sure
7th period they had to share books...
do you want to switch seats with me so u can share a book with your girlfriend?
blush
This afternoon they will dance!
B: it's like a fairy tale!
Natasha: YES!
a 7th grade fairytale
and then
end of the day yesterday...he calls his mom to tell her the news...THAD BE ME!
this is going on my blog
B: PLEASE MAKE IT A BLOG
he's getting more action than me
and i'm totally happy for him!

The Focus Can't Be On Me

2008-02-22T14:33:00.001-05:00

Everyday life has a chance to send you to a curve in the road that you didn’t know was there. Today was my chance. How do you handle a situation where you are the protected, but one of those you have vowed to protect with your life is hurt? How do you forgive yourself for allowing someone to slip through your tight grip you thought you had? But the focus now can’t be on me. It has to be on the one I love.

The lioness in me wants to take action. Not the kind of action that is coupled with love, but the action that serves as a pre-requisite to a life sentence. No one knows how you will react until you get this situation, this demon, this humanly inconceivable thing placed in front of them. Then and only then can you rely upon your upbringing, your common sense, your human sense and your God.

A minister was asked the question, what is love? His answer was Love is God and God is Love. The is can be represented mathematically with an equal sign (=). Right now, the emotion I am feeling is Hate. So I = Hate, but I do not want to run the chance of Hate = Me. It’s easy to be consumed in your emotions. But again…the focus can’t be on me. It has to be on the one I love.

To Be Continued…

TCD

2007-04-30T16:49:00.000-04:00

This year I want a house in this neighborhood or somewhere like it: http://thepreserveeastatlanta.com/. Now in order to make that dream come true, I have to start baking some extra bread...ya dig? My son said to me yesterday, "Ma I wish I could get a job and work so you don't have to work so hard." And that is the example of a woman that I want him to know. One who is going to work hard to get what her family deserves. One who will not wait on anyone to give it but to go find the opportunity to snatch it up. With that being said...it's all about the money right now.

signed
Tashie Clockin Dollaz

In Case you missed the debate last night...

2007-04-26T20:39:00.000-04:00

As transcribed to J-Love last night -

[19:31] Me: lmao@this debate
[19:31] Me: this canidate said
[19:31] Me: sen. gravelle
[19:31] J-Love: what debate?
[19:31] Me: presidential debate
[19:31] Me: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/
[19:31] J-Love: oh chile
[19:31] Me: it's at South Carolina State
[19:31] J-Love: um-hmm
[19:31] Me: hilary is talking now
[19:32] J-Love: what did the candidate say?
[19:33] J-Love: (you left me hanging)
[19:33] Me: they question to him was...
[19:34] Me: it was said that when u spoke to you stated it does not matter whether or not u win or lose
[19:34] Me: why are you here then?
[19:34] Me: he said well...that was before i was on three panels with the others here
[19:34] Me: it's like being in the senate
[19:34] Me: after the first six months you wonder...how in the hell did some of these people get here
[19:34] Me: LMAO!
[19:35] Me: they are talking about abortion now
[19:35] J-Love: ha!
[19:35] J-Love: that's a durn good answer
[19:35] Me: ok here come joe bidin
[19:36] Me: i heart his talking cuz he shoots himself in the foot
[19:37] J-Love: lol
[19:37] J-Love: has he did it yet?
[19:37] Me: no but he addressed it
[19:38] Me: he said he stands for what he believes that's why they say i'm so outspoken
[19:38] J-Love: then he retreats?
[19:39] Me: there really wasn't a bad question
[19:39] Me: i thought it would be
[19:48] Me: now they are talking about healthcare
[19:48] J-Love: ironically
[19:48] J-Love: so is the simpsons
[19:48] J-Love: LOL
[19:48] J-Love: jk
[19:48] Me: LMAO
[19:49] Me: lord
[19:50] Me: i missed the thumbs
[19:50] Me: rather than pointing
[19:50] Me: they use thumbs
[19:50] Me: i had forgotten about that
[19:50] J-Love: LOL
[19:50] J-Love: yes -- its passive
[19:50] Me: I LOVE ELECTION TIME
[19:50] J-Love: lol
[19:50] J-Love: sadly
[19:51] J-Love: it's ONLY THE FREAKING BEGINNING
[19:51] Me: oh wow you could have emailed your questions
[19:51] Me: how
[19:51] J-Love: WE'VE GOT ANOTHER WHOLE YEAR OF THE MESS!!!
[19:51] Me: they were asked if they support the NAACP in getting the confederate flag removed
[19:51] Me: WHA?
[19:51] J-Love: LOL!
[19:51] Me: jo bidin didnt answer the question
[19:52] J-Love: it's a hot topic in the southern states
[19:52] J-Love: lmao
[19:52] Me: he said it was best to show off the black college
[19:52] Me: WTH?
[19:52] J-Love: that must be a footnmouth question for him
[19:52] Me: obama said...the confederat flag should be in the museum
[19:52] J-Love: ha!
[19:52] Me: then he said but...we need to debate about the black infant mortality rate
[19:52] J-Love: go on barack!!!
[19:52] Me: he went off on other stuff
[19:52] Me: next question
[19:53] Me: what is the most significant political/professional mistake u made in teh last 20 years
[19:53] Me: one sentence
[19:53] Me: they tell 10
[19:53] Me: of them
[19:54] Me: hil said believing the president
[19:54] Me: barak said
[19:54] Me: when he first arrived in the senate and terry shivold
[19:54] Me: and the bill that the congrees interfere
[19:54] Me: bidin
[19:54] Me: over estimating the confidence in the admin. and underestimating the arrogance
[19:54] Me: john edwards
[19:54] Me: voting for the war
[19:55] Me: Dodd...voting on the war
[19:55] Me: Gov. Richards - impatient
[19:55] Me: richardson
[19:55] Me: his answer is too long
[19:55] Me: he said raising the min wage by ramming it down their throats
[19:55] J-Love: lol
[19:55] J-Love: i don't have to watch debats
[19:55] J-Love: i just IM you
[19:55] Me: u got me
[19:56] Me: now they are talking about immigration
[19:56] Me: Question for bidin
[19:56] Me: least number of people going for science and engineering...how will u change it?
[19:57] Me: he said change the format of education now. smaller classes and better teachers
[19:57] Me: LAWD
[19:57] Me: Drug Test should be for welfar recipient
[19:57] J-Love: um ...
[19:57] Me: Sen. Dodd said no
[19:57] J-Love: what???
[19:57] J-Love: how da helllllll
[19:57] Me: the family needs help not just that one person
[19:57] J-Love: does that promote the science and engineering studies???
[19:57] J-Love: wtf??:
[19:57] J-Love: did he hear the question??
[19:57] Me: ok sen edwards....Why is gas still high
[19:58] Me: edwards said because the demand is high
[19:58] J-Love: LMAO
[19:58] J-Love: economics class
[19:58] J-Love: he got a D
[19:58] Me: i paraphrased
[19:58] Me: LMAO
[19:58] Me: he said ask american to be patriotic about something other than war but to conserve
[19:58] J-Love: real answer - our pres is an oil man himself
[19:58] Me: ok a lady wants to drop med insurance cuz it costs too much
[19:59] Me: Sen Kucinich says....
[19:59] Me: premiums copays deductibles profit the insurance companies
[19:59] Me: he wants universal healthcare not for profit
[19:59] Me: we are already paying for it just not getting it
[19:59] Me: ok a one sentence question
[19:59] Me: lawd he has to find it
[19:59] J-Love: he must plan to move the country to the european continent
[20:00] Me: while sittin in the oval office...name the first thing u want to accomplish on teh first day
[20:00] Me: richardson - get us out of iraq
[20:00] Me: then he gave 3 other days
[20:00] Me: shut up
[20:00] Me: they said day one
[20:00] Me: he is on day 4
[20:00] Me: he took all the time
[20:00] Me: LOL
[20:01] Me: ok final half hour
[20:01] Me: new category
[20:01] J-Love: dang
[20:01] J-Love: 4 days?
[20:01] Me: NON IRAQ FOREIGN POLICY
[20:01] Me: 3 most imporant allies
[20:01] Me: Barak - european nations as a whole
[20:01] Me: then some other stuff about afghanistan
[20:01] Me: ok now he says look east
[20:02] Me: Japan
[20:02] Me: China
[20:02] Me: ok there are three
[20:02] Me: shut it barak
[20:02] Me: *still talking*
[20:02] Me: the dude said u didn't mention isreal
[20:02] Me: and barak says
[20:02] Me: well never mind
[20:02] Me: too much
[20:03] Me: Bidin...three nations that are the biggest threats
[20:03] Me: N Korea
[20:03] Me: Iran
[20:03] Me: and....Putin in USSR
[20:03] Me: side note - he is on the senate foriegn relations committee
[20:04] Me: now back to our program
[20:04] Me: he said there needs to be conduct change not regime change
[20:04] Me: he said the admin says..give up your weapns and we'll be your friend...and then we take them out
[20:04] Me: LMAO
[20:04] Me: Sen Gravel said...we have no imporant enemies
[20:04] Me: who are we afraid of? who are u afraid of
[20:04] Me: iraq was never a threat and we invaded them
[20:05] Me: military controls our gov and culture
[20:05] Me: GO MAN
[20:05] Me: Edward...russia friend or foe...he says....
[20:05] J-Love: lol
[20:05] Me: it's Putin's fault they are no longer a democracy
[20:06] Me: he said we should ask ourselves...how does america change the underlying dynamic happen in this world?
[20:06] Me: he says...the world must see US as a force for good again
[20:06] Me: and some examples of how......
[20:06] Me: Gov Richardson.....
[20:06] Me: How would u do things differently for russia?
[20:06] Me: What do we want - control wepaons
[20:07] Me: human in dealing with chechneia
[20:07] Me: promote more democracy
[20:07] Me: then he's says
[20:07] Me: 1. being stubborn isn't a foreign policy
[20:07] Me: 2. power without diplomacy is blind
[20:07] Me: he said deal with the real threats
[20:07] Me: 3. deal with Darfur
[20:07] Me: why does america not care about Africa
[20:07] Me: Genocide
[20:08] Me: International Poverty
[20:08] Me: Now for Hillary....
[20:08] Me: How do u think that notion of republicans as protectors has taken on?
[20:08] Me: she says....
[20:08] Me: convince admin to do things to make us work as safer
[20:08] Me: disconnect as rhetoric and reality
[20:08] J-Love: lmao -- i got a free transcriber!!
[20:09] Me: LOL!
[20:09] Me: cuz i know u are wanting to now
[20:09] Me: says admin has hyped the fear but not delivered safer
[20:09] Me: and our foriegn policy has made the world less safer
[20:09] Me: now for DOdd...same question as hil's
[20:09] Me: and he says....
[20:09] Me: blah blah blah
[20:09] Me: it's a myth in a sense
[20:10] Me: great term "stateless terrorism"
[20:10] Me: we gotta use that
[20:11] Me: Do you believe as global war on terror
[20:11] J-Love: in everyday convo?
[20:11] Me: congressman kucinich - cuz it's a fluff for war
[20:11] Me: i paraphrased
[20:12] Me: basically he's saying it's an excuse to go to war
[20:12] Me: Obama now....if two american cities were hit by terrorists and by al queida
[20:12] Me: how would u change military overseas
[20:13] Me: said make sure we have an effective emergency response (unlike new orleans..he said that)
[20:13] Me: and make sure we had good intelligence
[20:13] Me: LMAO
[20:13] Me: is it really al queida is what he was saying
[20:13] Me: he said don't alienate the world community on faulty intelligence
[20:13] J-Love: hmm
[20:13] Me: make sure we are talking to the international community we can't defeat terrorists on our own
[20:13] Me: Sen. Edwards...same question....
[20:14] Me: here we go...
[20:14] Me: 1. be certian we knew who was responsible
[20:14] Me: 2. find how this happened without intelligence finding out first
[20:14] Me: how did they get through homeland security?
[20:14] Me: did the weapons come through our ports
[20:14] J-Love: restating 2 -- HOW DA HELL did they get through homeland
[20:14] Me: LMAO
[20:14] Me: RITE
[20:15] Me: Sen Clinton
[20:15] Me: same question
[20:15] Me: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
[20:15] Me: must move as swiftly as is prudent
[20:15] Me: determin who is behind and if nations who supported it...
[20:16] Me: we should quickly respond
[20:16] Me: don't look for other fights
[20:16] Me: she said WE STILL HAVEN'T FOUND BIN LAUDIN
[20:16] J-Love: kill the waaabbitt
[20:16] Me: LOL!
[20:16] J-Love: kill the wabbitttt
[20:16] Me: impeach cheney
[20:16] Me: nobody wants to do it but one person
[20:17] Me: Kucin....
[20:17] Me: he is holding a pocket copy of the constution
[20:17] Me: LMAO
[20:17] Me: he is trying to get him impeached
[20:17] Me: he said we were taken to war on lies
[20:17] Me: mr. cheney must be held accountable
[20:17] Me: WE MUST STAND THIS CONSTITUTION
[20:17] Me: PROTECT AND DEFEND THIS CONSTITUTION
[20:18] Me: erebodee else is a coward...
[20:18] Me: paraphrased of course
[20:18] Me: Sen. Dodd now...civil unions
[20:18] Me: difference between gay marriage and civil unions
[20:18] Me: he says...
[20:18] Me: what would u do if they were your own children.
[20:19] Me: he's proud to conn for saying yes to civil unions
[20:19] J-Love: LOL
[20:19] Me: he does not support same sex marriage
[20:19] J-Love: he got that from the group city high
[20:19] J-Love: "what would you do ... "
[20:19] J-Love: lol
[20:19] Me: lmao
[20:19] Me: Bidin now.....
[20:19] Me: hot air on climate energy...what would u propose
[20:19] Me: make an equivalent of manhattan project
[20:20] Me: bill for autos be be flex fueled
[20:20] Me: and some other conservation things
[20:20] Me: he has a bill on the table
[20:20] Me: he and barak
[20:20] Me: Richardson...now talking abot Fidel
[20:20] Me: lord
[20:20] Me: lord
[20:20] J-Love: damnit
[20:21] Me: he went on another question
[20:21] J-Love: i gotta turn off this sound
[20:21] Me: WTH?
[20:21] J-Love: b/c everytime you hit enter
[20:21] J-Love: my head hurt
[20:21] Me: he's talking about another question
[20:21] Me: now for Castro...find ways to deal with post democratic cuba
[20:21] Me: bring cuban americans into dialog
[20:21] Me: change policy that limits visits
[20:21] Me: so he doesn't want to deal with castro
[20:22] J-Love: where is hiram, ga?
[20:22] Me: idunno
[20:22] J-Love: north, south, east west?
[20:22] Me: Gravel ... is us behind in nuclear energy
[20:22] Me: he said no cuz .......
[20:22] Me: cuz he has done alot while being in senate for 26 years
[20:23] Me: we have mis characterized terrorism
[20:23] Me: we are as success at that as we are in fighting drugs
[20:23] Me: LMAO
[20:23] Me: he's on something else
[20:23] Me: LMAO
[20:23] Me: ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahha
[20:23] Me: hahahahahahahahahhaha
[20:23] J-Love: what the h??
[20:23] J-Love: we lost both
[20:23] Me: how did he flip it
[20:23] Me: that's what he's saying
[20:24] J-Love: we just profit better on the drug one
[20:24] Me: lawd obama is flipping it too
[20:24] Me: fromenviroment
[20:24] Me: lightbulbs
[20:24] Me: to terrorism
[20:24] Me: WTH?
[20:24] Me: how do u go to energy saving bulbs
[20:24] Me: to terrorism?
[20:25] Me: Sen Kucinich says
[20:25] Me: obama u are setting up for another war
[20:25] Me: over oil
[20:25] Me: that's what the wars are about
[20:25] Me: obama says....
[20:25] Me: it's a mistake to go to iran
[20:26] Me: but if they had weapons they would be a threat
[20:26] Me: uh oh
[20:26] Me: verbal fight
[20:26] Me: with hilary in the middle lookin like
[20:26] Me: who
[20:26] Me: da
[20:26] Me: hewl
[20:26] Me: Gavel says
[20:26] J-Love: lmao
[20:26] Me: lmao!
[20:26] Me: hahahahaha
[20:27] Me: he says recognize what we arent doing isnt working cuz we are the greatest violator
[20:27] Me: said WHO THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO NUKE BARAK
[20:27] Me: LMAO
[20:27] Me: hahahahha
[20:27] Me: Edwards ...who is yoru moral leader
[20:27] Me: he's silent
[20:27] Me: hahahhaa
[20:27] Me: he said not one person
[20:27] Me: my Lord
[20:27] J-Love: LOL!
[20:27] Me: my wife
[20:27] Me: well u found one
[20:27] Me: oops another
[20:27] Me: my father
[20:28] Me: girl he was dead silent at first
[20:28] Me: lookin like uhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
[20:28] Me: shit i dunno
[20:28] Me: Clinton...is walmart a good or bad thing?
[20:28] Me: mixed blessing
[20:29] Me: and she's saying how...blah blah blah
[20:29] Me: says middle class to working americans are invisible
[20:29] Me: to corporations and the whitehouse
[20:30] Me: Bidin....if demcratic party goes down...modern day extinction in demo
[20:30] Me: he said all of them are winners
[20:30] Me: says wishing for hillary is making a mistake
[20:30] Me: he says stop happy talking about no war
[20:30] Me: LMAO
[20:30] Me: that is it
[20:30] Me: Republicans a week from tonite
[20:30] Me: i'll be translating u again
[20:31] Me: *applause*
[20:31] J-Love: LMAO
[20:31] J-Love: =D>

30 Random Mate Requirements

2007-04-26T12:53:00.000-04:00

The first time I married for stupid love. The next time there are rules. Now they are not in any order, but here they are.

1. Already has at least one child - I'm not having anymore Buddy!
2. Has a job and/or has own business - own business does not mean paper route.
3. Has a GOOD relationship with God -
4. Loves music - it is my passion and the person would have to understand.
5. Is patient - both of us can't be impatient. (working on it)
6. Has lived on his own for more than 5 years - "I just moved out of my mama's house" need not apply.
7. Has white teeth - I have a great dental plan. If he works, he should too. No Grillz!
8. Has all of his teeth - not much to say to that
9. Is Black - I love all of God's people...I want a black man
10. Knows he's black - sometimes we get comfortable and forget. I need him to know who Kunta Kente was.
11. Loves Min. Farrakhan - One slip of something bad said about him and it's over.
12. Loves himself - I have the responsibility to rear my children to have self love. I just don't have the room to teach someone else. Been there...done that...too exhausting.
13. Loves Hip Hop - same reason as music.
14. Can hold intelligent conversations - those filled with just "what's up, what are you doing, what's the deal" should be reserved for the 13 - 21 age range.
15. Has his own car - I am DONE playing taxi.
16. Has at least a 5 year economic/professional/personal plan - not "in five years I plan on being released from jail."
17. Is consistently re-evaluating self - we aren't all we can be at this moment.
18. Has a 401-K or some equivalent for the future - You can't just live for today.
19. Is a closet or external Freedom Fighter - No Justice! No Peace!
20. Loves to travel - we can't live in our bubbles.
21. Pays his child support - Deadbeats, please exit stage left.
22. No ex-person drama - No Lifetime Movie Channel mess for me.
23. Can Cook - I'm not the only person in the world who knows how to turn on an oven.
24. Is Affectionate - now...sticking your tongue down my throat in an attempt to tickle my esophagus while in public is not appropriate, but let a sister know she's important.
25. Has a good sense of humor - Dry bones need to stay in the grave.
26. Is free of mental disease or defects - I am not running an asylum.
27. Is free of sexual disease or defects - I am not running a free clinic nor an enlargement program.
28. Can read - You do not have to be a genius, but if he does have that problem...check into an adult literacy program.
29. Is a handy man - all the men who had a hand in my development could: Fix cars, Build houses, Perform maintenance on the houses they built. I want that to continue.
30. Is not morbidly obese - now I am not a small woman, but I need a man to be able to walk up a flight of stairs and not require a respirator waiting at the top.

Today's Rants

2007-04-18T14:24:00.000-04:00

AM Rant:

Me: word
Sent at 9:56 AM on Wednesday
Mrs: yo
i'm tired
Me: me too and i have a headache
Mrs: i was up watchin Flava of love Charm School and I have a headache too
Me: oh no
i am gonna like charmschool
mo nique had me rollin
talking about "i kept thinking after she finishes she is still going to have to go up that hill"
Mrs: LMAO
Me: that chick Rain is crazy as hell
Mrs: Goldie had me howlin
tommbout Monique is a Big bitch
Me: YES
Mrs: LOL
i laffed so hard
Me: rain looked like pookie in her one on one
Mrs: YES
Me: i kept sayin...CHECK HER BAGS
CHECK HER BAGS
Mrs: that bitch was high as hell
Me: yes
Mrs: I was like geez
Me: and when mo said we weren't laffin with u...we were laffin at u
i said PREACH SISTER MO
Mrs: I said amen!
Me: PREACH...TELL THE PEOPLEZ THE TRUTH
Mrs: them chicks should feel like shit
Rain is just insane
and Mo was right
Me: that slut pumpkin doesn't
and that Bootz chick
WTH?
the only one i really feel for is Saaphirya...howeva u spell it
but she is getting on my nerves being on every show
Mrs: she's a hot bad weave having mess
pumpkin ain't shit
she needs her ass beat
Me: please lord yes
Mrs: bootz will do it
damn that chick is a hater
damn
Me: without needing a push from anyone
who bootz?
Mrs: hatin on every thing
or was that the other one
I get them confused
Me: the one that'ssharing the room with bootz and pumpin?
they all look alike
now those are nappy headed hoes
i'm sorry
they are
and i am not apologizing to them or america for it
Mrs: LMAO!
I gotta cosign
emphasis on hoes
Me: if imus wudda said it about them...i would have cosigned
Mrs: hells yes
I'd been like he's right
Me: yes
no protest
nuttin
Mrs: nobody could say shit
Me: just me chantin yestheyare
Mrs: I'd be like damn it there's video
Me: say no
to the flave hoe
say no
to the flave hoe
Mrs: lol
Me: so i'm glad u are watching that show
so i can talk about it withsomeone
cuz they did come off the short bus looking like window and everything else lickerz
Sent at 10:06 AM on Wednesday
Mrs: LMAO
YES
the short bus son
why you got me holding back laffin hard in her
wiping tears
Sent at 10:10 AM on Wednesday
Me: LMAO
they just get under my skin
especially after knowing people in other countries see this mess and think that's what we are all about
Mrs: Hi, this is why folk in Greece were cuttin a fool
Me: and as hard as we have struggled to be seen as more than just property...their asses want to be equal in slutness
Mrs: My Greek friend said it's prolly cause they thought we were famous
Me: LOL
Mrs: EXACTLY
Me: why??
ya know
why would u want to feel that's your only way to be someone. and for FLAV?
Mrs: I try to rep right and these hoes fuck it up for the rest of us
seriously
stupid hoe bitches
Monique should beat their asses
Me: he looks like one of the california raisins
Mrs: LMAO
Me: and that damn Buckwild
Mrs: TRYIN TO HOLD DOWN LAUGHTER
Me: she makes me feel bad for the PWT
Mrs: She ain't shit
Me: i know...that's why she makes me feel bad for them
how in the hell?
Becky
Mrs: she's so fake
and it's like she's tryin to rep for old stereotypes of black folk that we don't even embraces
40s?
WTF
Me: how do u sit there and allow her to keep on going
i wanted monique to put her ass in the fire
Mrs: word
wearing a gotdamn bubble coat in the house
why?
why tashie?
Me: in a house
with a FIRE
and the other chicks are wearing my daughter's baby clothes
i wondered where they were
now i know
Mrs: they are whores
Me: oh
Mrs: WHORES
Me: and that damn hottie
Mrs: Lawd Jayzus
Me: i bet that apple was stinkin
Mrs: what the fuck is on her head
why is there yarn on her head Tash
WHY!!!
Me: girl that was horse tail hair
she just took the horse she was fuckin's hair and put it on her head
Mrs: That fuckin apple musta smelled like badussy
It's like she bought out all the pack hair in the korean spot and put it on her head
geez
I can't
she's a horror
Me: i said don't touch it MO
it's got tittay lint on it
that chick pulled the apple out of her bra
the worm died on the spot
Mrs: Tashie you are on a roll
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH@Titty lint
Me: LMAO
that was my first thought
how do u pull an apple from your tit and think it's cool
Mrs: Holy crap
coughing
Me: oh no
oh
Mrs: oh sit
oh shit
damn
Me: i thought someone died or something
phew
Mrs: I can't stop laffin
Me: LOL
Mrs: worm died
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Me: big worm
and she had rollers in her hair for the promo for future episodes
kept sayin how was she going to plug in her rollers
synthetic doesn't need heat...it melts in heat
WTH?
i hate all of those chicks
except saaph
she just seems lost to me
and spoke the truth about those 50gs
Mrs: seriously you had me gettin my pump
Me: LMAO
hahahahahhaha
i have a little built up frustration
Mrs: isee
Me: and i'm mad at me for watching the shows but...i get over it fast
Mrs: me too
Me: just like when i played the song Pop Lock and Drop it this weekend
i was mad at me
until i realized i was paid for it
then i got over it
but then today
i felt like a pawn for da music man
like i sold out
Mrs: LMA
O
i can't breeve
Me: LOL
cuz i won't let nuri listen to the song but sho burned and played it at the party
Mrs: LOL
Me: oh did u hear they got a suspect for Jay's murder
Mrs: Yeah I heard
Me: and they pinned another murder on him
Mrs: some cat that's in jail already
Me: and i'm ready for them to say he killed biggie and tupac too
Mrs: yup
Me: cuz they said he killed tupacs associate
Mrs: put it in a nice little bow
Me: i'm like he killed everybody
Mrs: here we good
Me: Scott La Rock
Mrs: he killed Martin lutha king
Me: LMAO
Mrs: Malcolm X
Me: yes!
Mrs: shot Vernon Jordan in tha ass
Me: he killed Big L
Mrs: Freeky Tah
Me: he shot JR
Mrs: he killed every one
Me: and Mr.. Burns
Mrs: He shot Mr. Burns too
JINX
Me: LMAO
Mrs: lol
I'd like vodka instead of coke
Me: they gonna pin every murder on him
gurl
who u tellin cuz i'm this close to drinkin
i haven't been to the mosque since thursday
Mrs: no kidding
Me: and was only there to drop some papers off
and then i bounced

PM Rant:

[14:13] Me: u know what irks me
[14:13] Me: when i hear white folks say black
[14:13] Me: it's like the ack is extended
[14:13] B: LMAO
[14:13] Me: Blaaaccck
[14:14] Me: oops
[14:14] Me: blaaaccckkkuh
[14:16] B: /:)
[14:16] Me: blaackuh guy
[14:16] B: lol
[14:16] B: STOP IT!
[14:16] B: lol
[14:16] Me: see u know it's true
[14:17] B: girl u know its true
[14:17] Me: i think it's because i say it as a color
[14:17] Me: and i feel it's said by some as a label
[14:17] B: Oo Ooo Oo
[14:18] Me: kind of like what kind of cereal are u getting
[14:18] Me: blaackuh guy cereal
[14:18] B: LOL
[14:18] B: aahahaha
[14:18] Me: it has nuts in it
[14:18] Me: deez nuts? yes those
[14:18] B: LOL
[14:19] Me: ok i made myown self laff

Who in the hell is Ralph?

2007-04-16T09:59:00.000-04:00

So...I guess this is going to be a blog about regular stuff, but more about my journey of finding my past. So last night (now that song is stuck in my head) I got on ancestry.com and looked up some records on my father's side. PS...thank you Stephen for KILLING KUNTA!!!

Anyway, I found some US Census records for my Great grandfather Marion Daniels and found the name of one of his other sons, Ralph Daniels. I said...who in the hell is Ralph? At first I didn't catch it because I thought maybe Ralph was my uncle Winford's real name. Then I saw the age...26 and saw he was born in 1904. This was a 1930 Census I was viewing.

Now the thing about my grandfather Marion is...when my great grandmother Alzada Green Daniels was 25, Marion was 42. His son Ralph was 26 on the census and Zeda was 25...you see my point? He was married previously and has another family out there. My grandfather has given me bits and pieces saying his nephew, which is older than him, was a coach at Durham High School many years ago. So...now I want to go back further on my daddy's side of the family, but I also want to find that other family.

Roots

2007-04-15T22:30:00.000-04:00

Well we just finished watching the last of "Roots". It left me feeling good, but it also left me feeling empty. The family of Alex Haley was lucky because they knew of Kunta Kente. I don't have that. I am seeking to find that.

Seeing "Roots" the first time left me feeling angry at every white person that walked the earth for making us this way. This time, I'm proud to be who I am. I am proud of the struggle. I am proud of the pain. It was through the pain, through the loss, through the anger, through the struggle that we found out who we truly. We are strong. We are smart. We are mighty. We are gods. Who else but the children of God could create greatness out of the next to nothing that was given to us?

I am also sad, because I don't have my story. But I am determined to find my family's story. I have to take the souls of those that I carry with me back home. I have to take them back to the land of their mother's, father's, brother's, sisters. It is my duty and it is my honor.